Ask Jack: Schrodinger’s Kitty

Welcome to a feature that is brand-new here at Riverside Green, titled “Ask Jack”. As with the TTAC series of the same name, I will be dispensing invaluable (or perhaps valueless) life advice to my treasured readers — but over here the questions will not necessarily be auto-related — JB

When does a quantum system stop existing as a superposition of states and become one or the other? That’s what we learn about Schrodinger’s Cat from noted physicist and science authority, Wiki Pedia. Here’s an explanation from an English major, namely moi: There are some things down in the building blocks of the universe that don’t make “decisions” until they are observed from the outside. Human beings do this all the time: you aren’t really sure if you’re going to go to the party until your friend actually texts you and asks if you’re leaving the house, at which point you make a decision. Particles do that, too. Now here’s the noodle-baking part: your brain is thought to rely on quantum mechanisms for consciousness. Which means that your decision to go to the party, or to do anything else, is simply a bunch of Schrodinger’s Cats adding up to a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Quantum computers work kind of the same way: they can hold all possible answers to a question in a “waveform” that “collapses” to one answer. If you’ve ever dated several women at one time, you know that your life consists of a waveform that collapses to a single (or, sometimes, pair of) sex partner(s) depending on the external factors. You need a date for Friday night — it could be any of them. But Girl A is sick and Girl B is being fussy and Girl C just finished doing the whole P90X program so the waveform collapses into one answer which is Girl C.

Today’s episode of “Ask Jack” comes from a fellow who wants to collapse that superposition of states and permanently date one woman or the other.


Andy writes:

Hi Jack,
.
I’ve been a loyal reader for years and always prioritize your articles. I have owned several cars: (list edited to avoid doxxing) But I’m not here to talk to you about vehicles, rather your other area of expertise.
.
I am in a bit of a conundrum regarding two latina women who are very much interested in me, and I them. I’m 35, single, work in tech consulting, drink socially+, and never married with no kids. But I am over the multiple woman lifestyle. So honestly I think I should decide on one of them. Lets call the two Tequila McImplants and Pepper McBigButt. Based on my scoring sheet, they both add up similarly. I don’t know how to decide.
.
My male friends have always been the serial monogamy type and are not much use for advice. And I wont ask women for advice because they will just tell me what they think they want, not what they actually do want.
.
Breakdown:
.
Tequila McImplants:
Pros: Super hot body and face, like celebrity hot. Financially successful, MS degree, no dietary restrictions, no dog, wants kids, similar job schedule and easy-ish to relate to.
Cons: Age 37, …curious past (worked in promotions and “knows” several celebrities), no nonsense and potentially a flight risk as she pursues hypergamy, Age 37, mild wrinkles that could exacerbate, bad relationship with divorced dad and mom. And again, Age 37.
.
Pepper McBigButt
Pros: Age 26, easier to impress, relatively good family life, likely less checkered past (though you never know), Age 26
Cons: Just on the edge of being thick vs overweight. Things don’t get easier as you approach 30. Has a dog. Doesn’t want kids, dietary restrictions, doesn’t drink, still finishing a degree.
.
Feel free to post this in TTAC and relate the women to cars. Or not. Either way I hope you can help.
.
How do you make your decisions?

Let’s begin by stating the obvious, Andy: you’re already doing so much better than the majority of American men, who are either hopelessly alone or browsing Reddit one-handed in bed while their wives snore with enough force to raise a small volcano of cake frosting from their lips with each 1812-style grapeshot exhalation. But then again, I’m not surprised. If you can pull one pretty lady nowadays, you can almost certainly pull more than one. Welcome to $THE_CURRENT_YEAR, which is literally Surf City for most men with a testosterone level above that of a toddler. It’s certainly that way in colleges, which are now sixty percent female. Think about that. 1.5 girls for every boy — but many of those boys like other boys and the bulk of the remainder can’t be separated from their XBoxen with a breacher bar. So it’s really more like 3 girls for every boy.

Like St. Paul, however, you’re ready to put away the toys of a child and live the life of a man, monogamously. At 35? Are you sure? If you are, then let’s consider the options you’ve set before me.

This one isn’t even close. It has to be Pepper. Why? The answer is simple. From your description, I get the idea that Tequila is much hotter than Pepper. That’s true today. It may be true in five years. But you’re thinking long-term. In fourteen years, Pepper will be facing forty with some anxiety. Tequila will be over fifty.

Age is a stone-cold bitch. It’s hard on men; God knows I don’t heal up the way I did at 16, 26, or even 36. It’s even tougher on women. Let’s put aside all the physical stuff, all the business about The Wall — you can get that from the Chateau if you want it. I’m talking about emotions. Tequila is going to be far more set in her ways than Pepper is. Okay, so right now Pepper’s doing the furbaby business, but she has time to change her mind and she might be amenable to doing so if you both want it. Twenty-six is an age where people are still making choices. At thirty-seven, you are set in your ways.

That applies to women and men, but you can’t change your own age and your own situation. You can choose your partner. Also, a nine-year-old gap between husband and wife is pretty reasonable. The most valuable relationships I’ve had in the past decade or so have been with women born in 1979 and 1981 against my 1971 birthday. The 1990s crowd wants a nightlife pace that I’m unwilling to provide as a middle-aged father; the late-Sixties ladies were too far into their own neuroses and preconceptions to make a relationship work.

Give Pepper a chance to step up to the majors. Maybe talk to her about the difference between a furbaby and a real baby. Create a solid relationship with her family. Go be healthy and happy with her. Dogs don’t live forever. Help her keep the weight off by setting a good example yourself — this is one area where I’m a terrible husband/boyfriend, Danger Girl works out an hour-plus every day while I noodle around on a bicycle, but luckily for me no woman ever loved me for my looks.

Not to get too religious in a column that is basically titled in a way to make a pussy joke, but I think Psalm 127 applies here:

3 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

4 As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.

5 Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

You won’t fill a quiver by working with a 37-year-old carousel rider. Go be a good husband, but more importantly be a great father.

That’s all for this episode of “Ask Jack!”

53 Replies to “Ask Jack: Schrodinger’s Kitty”

  1. Bark M

    Bark says :

    None of the above. No to McImplants for all the reasons Jack already stated, but I’d also say no to McBigButt. A thick 26-year-old Latina is going to be a fat 36-year-old Latina, and there’s a cultural aspect to being Latina that doesn’t jive with working out and eating healthy—they like to live well and enjoy their lives, and there’s not much you can do to turn a Latina into Tea Leoni (Spanglish reference).

    I’d download Tinder.

    Reply
    • Frank Galvin

      Bark – that’s quite the broad generalization of Latinas and culture. Its more regional, origin / ethnicity, and class specific. Like most groups – the lower the income level, the less likely they are to be health conscious and at weight.

      Reply
      • Bark M

        I spend 30 weeks a year in Miami. I know the Latin culture better than midwestern culture at this point.

        Reply
        • Bruno Balestra

          While I generally agree, Brazilians are more health obsessed everyday. Plus, miscegenation down here is extreme enough to make Darwin proud, so he might luck out and find himself one that won’t balloon that quickly. By the way, we are plentiful in Miami

          Reply
    • Shortest Circuit

      Download Tinder and shell out for Gold. See who likes you… it was a major shocker for me (either fat twentysomethings or thirtysomething fit mothers-of-two. I evidently have either a dad bod or a dad face or a dad something.

      Reply
  2. Patrick Bateman

    So what is a more valid lifestyle? Fatty f#@king or Granny f#@king ? Always choose the hardbody.

    Reply
  3. Rick T.

    This was answered many years ago in song:

    If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
    Never make a pretty woman your wife
    So from my personal point of view
    Get an ugly girl to marry you

    Reply
  4. bbakkerr

    If it’s not obvious between the two, then neither. If you’re so good at finding candidates, as suggested above, find someone new with the best qualities of each. This is a bad thing on which to ask advice, I will add. Well, asking is okay, the taking is the bad thing.

    Reply
    • tyates

      I agree – if it’s even a question, then you already know the answer. She’s not the one.

      Here’s a story for you. Imagine meeting your soulmate, the perfect girl for you, smart, beautiful, etc, at the age of fifteen, and by sixteen realizing you’ve completely fucked up maybe the best thing you will ever get in your life.

      After that, I dated my fair share of women and even lived with a few, but none of them measured up. Maybe on paper some of them might have been good options for marriage, but I never considered it – maybe because I had something special to compare it to? It’s hard to say how I knew, but I just did.

      Then fifteen years later – yeah time flies right? – I meet the second girl in my life that I knew mattered and there wasn’t even a question of whether I would marry her. In order to make it work I had to basically move mountains, but I did, and sixteen years later here I am, still married, and with a beautiful daughter, and it was the best decision I ever made.

      Reply
  5. Mark D. Stroyer

    In my reasonably limited experience, love isn’t something you seek and find but something that appears suddenly and punches you across the jaw. So if there ~is a question~ then the answers are wrong.

    Reply
    • Ben Johnson

      In my opinion: The quality of who you marry and the children your raise is vastly more important than the overwhelming feeling of love. As I understand it, that flush of love fades rather quickly.

      Reply
      • Lh

        This a million times…..love wasn’t even on the radar for me. Good genetic qualities, cleanliness, and a good business sense with respect to running a household were my priorities (in that order) when I was wife shopping

        Reply
  6. Danio

    If you can’t choose, maybe the answer is neither. There are billions of others to choose from, probably at least a few that meet all your important criteria. Why settle? I suppose you could always pursue it with pepper and see if she’ll get it together, but I’m betting not.

    Sounds like what you want is someone like Tequila, but 10 years younger. She probably exists.

    Reply
  7. Q.

    Don’t marry an attractive Latina if you ever plan to relax. Ever.

    Dating two at the same time is risking property damage, or worse.

    Let’s trade places.

    Reply
    • tresmonos

      ^^^ This from experience: Mexican in the DF and used to be engaged to a Puerto Rican Jew.

      But damn that latina fire can be oh so addicting in the sheets.

      Reply
  8. Frank Galvin

    “Go be a good husband, but more importantly be a great father.” – Jack, you nailed the last part, but blew the call.

    You’re not going to be a good husband and great father without a corresponding good wife and great mother.

    Its McImplants and not even close. A Latina hot at 37, stays hot. Look at Salma Hayek. 52! Relatable and no-nonsense. Christ – that’s a winning combo right there. Less bullshit to deal with, which gets a hell of a lot more important as you get older. MS Degree and is financially successful. Man oh man.What a great scenario. Marriage, quick kiddo or two. She stays at home for a bit, eases back into work if need be. You’ll have a great family life – stable to boot. So what if she doesn’t get along with Mom and Dad. So why visit the sins of the parents on her? Daddy’s little princess always, always, always has fucked up expectations. Again, potential less bullshit to deal with on the in-law front. And by the way – its looking like that put her into the solid plus column. Parents are jerks but she’s kept her looks, attained a Masters, is financially successful, but prefers motherhood and marriage over a career. I read that as character.

    So she has a bit of a past and may have hustled a bit using God’s gifts. Good on her. Sounds like someone I’d love to vacation with when my parents take the kids for a long weekend. But taking all this into account – she’s going to be a great and fierce mom – and will likely put her energy and passions into your offspring. And she’s showing interest in you. I.e. – you meet her standards for the duration. You and her click – and she’s transferring that to potential father and husband. A successful, hot, and driven woman is stating that you’re the opposite of her asshole dad. Damn.

    The 26 y.o. is a screaming nightmare. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t want kids, easier to impress, doesn’t have the self-discipline to take care of the weight, still working to finish a degree, and “easier to impress” – as this needs repeating. How did you miss the Giant Flashing “SELFISH BROAD” light blaring above her head?

    Good luck with the psychotic wedding planner and flushing that 45k down the toilet. What are you impressing her with? Your cars? Bank account? Tech Support? Trying to convert her to the idea of having kids and trying to motivate her to do something about her weight. That is not going to happen. You’re settling for all the wrong reasons. Good luck with trying to get to ditch the baby weight. You’re in for a trying time. Remember – this one is showing interest in you, not the other way around.

    Take a chance with Tequila – you’ve described a solid Reposado. It’s not going to disappoint, and its not going to leave you with a pounding headache of regret the morning after. You’re settling for a shitty Cuervo margarita pre-mix.

    Reply
    • tresmonos

      Latina’s stay good looking depending on whether they have conqueror Spaniard in their blood or mestizo. If it’s the latter, it’s the millionth bean theory. Once consumed, they blow up.

      Reply
      • Frank Galvin

        Maybe I should have disclosed that Mrs. Galvin is a hot 3X y.o. Latina who achieved a lot before she met me. She’s given me two awesome sons. Fuck it, and I’m biased as hell. YMMV.

        Reply
    • Disinterested-Observer

      If they started trying to have kids right now the earliest they would succeed she would be 38-39. That is what as known to your OB as “Advanced Maternal Age” and despite what people may think when they see someone in the tabloids having a kid at 50 it is very dangerous. I am sure that Jack could do a whole column about that.

      Reply
      • Jack BaruthJack Baruth Post author

        That’s something about which I know firsthand; John’s mother was thirty-six when she delivered him and it almost killed them both.

        Reply
        • Disinterested-Observer

          I was thinking more of an essay on the lie that Gen-X women were fed that they could wait to have children. I forgot about your experience. NICU is an awful place to be even when things are going well.

          Reply
  9. Shocktastic

    I am with the neither crowd. Keep looking & do a little (no, a bunch more) homework about yourself. Running a spreadsheet comparison of two women without describing your parenting preference is a red flag that you should not marry.

    Reply
  10. Will

    “Based on my scoring sheet, they both add up similarly. I don’t know how to decide.”

    Hey dumbass, which one do you actually like more? Which one is more of a friend, that’s the one you go with, not a fucking scoring sheet. Jesus Christ, it’s not that hard.

    Reply
    • Jack BaruthJack Baruth Post author

      Er… I don’t know about that. Making decisions based on the feelz of the moment is probably better suited for women than men. I’m not saying he needs to approach this with ISO9002 and Six Sigma but there’s more to it than picking a woman who feels like a friend.

      Reply
  11. rambo furum

    If Andy is not himself a Latino, add me as a neither vote. Otherwise, Jack;s advice is sound.

    Reply
  12. -Nate

    Cool, I await more fun and entertaining answers .

    Me, I think if you have to ask anyone else, you’re not really interested in these two .

    I married a Latina, she gave me a wonderful, intelligent and healthy bouncing baby boy, off the charts sex and heartaches by the numbers, I don’t miss her in my life .

    Neither does our son oddly enough .

    FWIW, Florida/Cuban is but one version of Latino culture .

    The cool thing is : there really are astounding numbers of Women out there available, even if you’re stuck on have the cutest of the bunch .

    Having healthy Children these days is possible up to 45Y.O. that I personally know about via an ex G.F. of mine .

    Remember : this is supposed to be fun, not work, take is easy and keep looking .

    -Nate

    Reply
  13. Dirty Dingus McGee

    I guess monogamy works for many folks, I just don’t happen to be one of them. I’ll offer up my food analogy; As much as I like cheeseburgers, I don’t want to have one every day, forever.

    Reply
  14. hank chinaski

    Thread is gold, Jerry, gold. Lady Macbeth or Ophelia?

    Another vote for #2 if you want to exert the effort it will take, which will get more and more tedious as you close in on 40. Better to start with someone closer to your goals. BTW, what breed of dog? Purse dog or Pit Rescue? Both better than cats or horses but neither preferable.

    Wife/knock up a 37 y.o. ex-pro with daddy issues? To ask is to answer. Plus, the divorce rate for F>M age is higher than average.

    Reply
  15. Tyler

    Yeah, if you’ve been playing the field for this long, you do not want your first taste of grown-ass monogamy to be another veteran of the dating game.

    The hard part about adult relationships and marriage for me was learning that the ABSENCE of conflict, not the emotional peaks and troughs, was what drove my satisfaction. As with a good employment situation, it’s the robustness of the things you don’t notice unless they’re broken which really matter.

    Reply
  16. Tyler

    “…for most men with a testosterone level above that of a toddler.”

    Jack, a note of grammatical appreciation for not writing “above a toddler”. Parallel construction is a lost concept and your commitment to it brings joy and relief to my heart. My gratitude to whomever made you diagram sentences.

    I find auto writers in general are especially bad at this… “its backseat is bigger than the competition.” Arg.

    Reply
    • Jack BaruthJack Baruth Post author

      I’m right there with you. A very good friend of mine just committed the following unforgivable pair of sentences to print:

      “As someone who was very successful racing on a similar setup, the wider front doesn’t necessarily change the inherent balance of the RS 3, but rather the wider tire does a better job managing heat than the narrower tire.”

      The wider front must have had a lot of talent!

      Reply
  17. Rye-cakes

    I feel like your asking if you should buy a Concourse Quality E39 M5 or a 2018 Kia Stinger GT.

    The e39 is a show stopper, gorgeous in all regards. It has been methodically maintained, but you know to keep an eye on chain tensioners, chain guides, minor things like oil level and BMW’s VANOS, and depending how you use the car, possibly the rod bearings. It is an older car, however, and it’s not the easiest to upgrade electronics and as the years pass, pixels on the digital display are guaranteed to fade. It doesn’t offer an array of driving modes but ///M mode is a beast! Being concerned about how the previous owner(s) drove the car shouldn’t matter since you’ve driven the car and given it a good looking over, and it sounds like you’re still interested in making a purchase. For a car that is 15-20 years old, it’s still relevant. Holding it’s own at car shows and turning heads at the racetrack. It’s also a highway cruiser, begging for a long road trip. There’s more risk taking an older car on a long road trip, but a trip to a specialized mechanic could put most fears to rest. The car may even be ready for multiple long road trips.

    The Stinger GT is a hot new number getting a lot of attention. It’s got all the right stuff in all the right places. It has fancy turbos which seem to be all the rage these days. Body is thick and sexy, but may not be a design that will still be eye catching in 20 years. It has new and exciting tech, like a navigation system that might actually get you to your destination. A lot of different driving modes, which sound exciting, but most likely you’ll enjoy a select few and tend to drive in those most often. It’s brand new, so it may be safe to say you’d have at least a few years free of major maintenance. But it is a Kia, they’re not known for their longevity, it could take more dedication from you to keep the car in tip-top shape. Although never titled, the car has some miles on the odometer. So you know it’s been driven, but not much. Again, you’re still interested in purchasing the car, so previous test drives don’t seem to bother you. The Stinger seems to be a little more focused on day-to-day enjoyment, with it’s most compelling qualities showing on track days. However, long road trips could be in it’s future. Even with a new car, the stress of a long road trip could cause unforeseen complications. But, keep in mind, newer cars are easier to find parts for and repaints tend to blend better.

    Reply
  18. J Edwards

    I have a pair of shoes that are old and worn. A few holes here and there from miles walked and garage floors laid upon. They look like shit, but they are comfortable in ways that no other pair I own can match. That’s what this place is, sometimes it fits in ways you don’t expect, but can’t help but appreciate.

    Reply
  19. Brawnychicken

    I don’t know much about much. But I do know a few things. The odds that a woman is going to stay the same weight, or lose some, after marriage is basically zero. If she isn’t obsessed with fitness and nutrition before kids-she’s not going to pick it up after. That doesn’t matter to everyone-but it matters to this guy. He’s already concerned and I would be $100 she goes up 1 size the day after the wedding and at least one more after kids.

    I do know something else-middle age women love sex-as long as you give them what they want. They aren’t going to put up with a half ass job though-you gotta put the work in. I’d go with the older one all day, and twice on Sundays.

    Reply
  20. dal20402

    Nope.

    If there’s one thing my life has taught me, it’s that if there is any doubt in a man’s mind about a relationship then it’s the wrong relationship. You have doubt about both of these and you need to look at other options.

    I spent ten years with a woman who looked almost exactly like a 7/8 scale Gene Tierney. When I first started dating her it felt like the pull of my life. But it was never quite right and I couldn’t bring myself to put a ring on it. And sure enough the end was a disaster.

    In the subsequent three years I dated several women, two seriously, but that nagging feeling that it wouldn’t be right was still there.

    Then I met my wife. I suspected I wanted to marry her within 48 hours of our first date, and knew it by six months in. Eight years and two baby boys later and there is still zero doubt, even after we fight.

    Reply
  21. Wulfgar

    I’m likely an outlier here at 56, currently single and three kids 14 and under. I fall into the camp of picking the person that attracts you emotionally as well as physically – a tough order to fill. In my five and a half decades on this planet I’ve met two such women. And found ways to cause irrevocable damage with both. So if I have advice? Marriage is a marathon – commit yourself when ready and don’t stop – ever. Work as hard day 1 as day 500. As to which one to commit to? Something tells me in your heart you already know. Good luck.

    Reply
  22. safe as milk

    in my experience, people – by which i mean women – don’t change, they only get more so with age. single people – by which i mean women – who aren’t focused at 26 are most likely to need saving from drowning by 30. you don’t want to be a life preserver.

    the older one is interesting but as others have advised, you need to get on with having kids asap. yes, women can have first kids at 45 but the graph curves for every complication gets steep fast after 40.

    Reply
  23. DirtRoads

    Not that I really care for Eminem any more, but one of his lyrics I’ve found to be completely false:

    “They make it all up, there’s no such thing
    Like a female with good looks who cooks and cleans”

    I found one, married her, happy.

    Reply

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