The Periodically Incarcerated Adventures Of Sergeant Save-A-Hoe

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“You still playing in a church band?”

“Naw, man,” my pal “G” responded, “I go to jail on the weekends now.”

“Just on the weekends, huh?”


I’d be lying if I said that I ever expected G to spend a night in jail. I met him about six years ago when I assumed the role of quasi-musical director and lead guitarist (save your guffaws, please) in a church band near the Honda plant in Bellefontaine, OH. (Pronounced “Bell-fountain” by the locals.) He was a devoted Christian, serious about it, not much interested in loose women or high speed or any of the things that fire my middle-aged imagination in the dead of night. A few years ago, he went into the Army but obtained a compassionate discharge halfway through his term of service so he could come home and look after his invalid grandparents in their single-wide trailer.

G doesn’t swear, he doesn’t brag, he doesn’t lie. He works hard at two part-time factory jobs now, making paper plates and cups for slightly better than minimum wage and assembling some minor trim piece for a Honda supplier. He helps his sister look after her kids so she can do factory work as well. He had a girlfriend for a while, an older single mom from the run-down old neighborhoods up in the hills, but he called time on it for reasons he won’t divulge.

How does a guy like that end up in jail? Someone with no larceny in his heart, someone who doesn’t backtalk cops or do burnouts or ride up on a bicycle and attempt a citizen’s arrest on a double-parked police officer — Hi, Ronnie! I was never going to figure it out, so I just flat out asked him.

Well, you see, G had a roommate in his trailer for a while. And the roommate had a girlfriend. And one day, G comes home and finds the roommate beating the girlfriend. Like, really whipping her ass. So my gentle little pal proceeds to throw down on the roommate. Black eyes. Dropped him like a sack of bricks.

Do we have time for a community-created parody Magic:The Gathering Card? Yes we do.

wknight

Now, in a perfect world, G’s roommate would have run sulking off and the roommate’s girlfriend would have wrapped her arms around G and taken him to bed, right? But you know what happened…

…of course you do…

…the bitch called the po-lice on G. And gave testimony against him. And G’s grandparents had to bail him out. And he went in front of the judge and admitted to everything without so much as benefit of counsel. The judge convicted him of simple misdemeanor assault and gave him the proverbial thirty days in the hole.

Insofar as there are like six people depending on G at all times, however, the judge said that he could do the sentence over fifteen weekends. Friday night to Sunday night in the county slammer. Turn yourself in, get processed into your tan jumpsuit. Most workhouses nowadays they leave the TV on until 4am. Keeps the brothers from getting violent. In jail, you sleep from two or three in the morning till noonish, unless you want the breakfast, which trust me, you don’t.

Where G is, it’s mostly drunk rednecks doing their time the same way he’s doing it. So you don’t have to be on edge all the time. But there’s nothing to do except stare at the ceiling and plan the hot shower you’ll take when you get out. This will be G’s fourth weekend of fifteen. So he should be done with this come the beginning of July.

“So what happened to the roommate and the girl?” I asked.

“Oh. I sold the trailer. Living with my sister now. But I’m going to buy a house soon. Got my eye on a good one. $72,000. It’s a stretch. But we could kinda consolidate the family a bit, which would be nice. And the girl… well, you know, she’s still with him. I know,” he says, waving his hand at me, “it was stupid. But it’s who I am. You can’t hurt a woman in front of me. I’d do it again. You would too.”

“The fuck I would,” was my immediate response. “And you’d better not, either. You have a whole family depending on you. What’s more important: looking after your grandparents or sticking your nose in some trailer-trash slut’s emotional roller-coaster ride?” G thought about it for a few seconds, then for a few more.

“Well,” he said, “you still gotta do what’s right. That’s not a choice you really have. Not a choice you really get.” It put me in mind of Corinthians: Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong. It’s nice to be able to admire somebody once in a while. That’s his gift to me, although he knows it not. I sent him home with a loaner guitar and amp for his Sunday nights after they process him out.

In the unlikely event that I have any female readers who are not ex-girlfriends of mine, I’m going to make a general appeal to that segment of my readership. One of you has to be willing to give G a shot. He’s a nice guy. Not flashy. He won’t excite your sense of drama, won’t get you to that unique female state of mind known as “mad enough to fight or screw depending on the spirit of the next three seconds.” But he’s a dependable fellow. Likes to work hard. He can wire a house and pour a foundation and replace piston rings and play church music as long as there are no chords more complex than Am7. If this sounds like your kind of guy, drop me a note. Take your time. He’s gonna be busy for the next few Friday nights.

28 Replies to “The Periodically Incarcerated Adventures Of Sergeant Save-A-Hoe”

  1. rich123

    he’s the kind of dangerous psycho I pay my tax dollars to protect me from. Right. Seriously Never talk to the fucking cops, ever. I tell my 10 year old son that. Never too early to get that lesson embedded.

    Reply
  2. Tomko

    Not sure what to say except life has taught me that there’s more than one way to be right. Problem is I can rarely see that in the moment.

    Best wishes to G as he serves his hard time.

    Reply
  3. -Nate

    A tip of the pin to G. as he’s a rare bird these days .

    Agreed on the psycho bitches BTW , BT , DT , sex was great , not worth the grief in the long run though .

    He’s doing dead easy time BTW .

    -Nate

    Reply
  4. Disinterested-Observer

    Not my favorite movie, despite its rep, but the first thing I have said to my kids literally the day they were born, “always keep your mouth shut, and never rat on your friends.”

    Reply
  5. kvndoom

    Can I put a postage stamp on my oldest stepdaughter’s forehead and mail her to Ohio? Ugh the drama I have to endure with her and her dating fiascos.

    Reply
  6. Rock36

    Jack, I hope you advise ol G to seek counsel to get that expunged from his record when Ohio law makes him eligible to attempt it.

    Simple misdemeanor assault is still a violent crime, and will hang around his neck much longer than it ought to, and potentially complicate things for him well after his 15 weekends are gone.

    Reply
  7. VicMik

    For G’s heroic efforts I petition for a full commission and a promotion straight to captain.

    “Captain muthafuckin’ save a hoe game to me
    Flexin’ just like a little ol’ bitch all up in front of my company
    Had to check his ass with an ear check dump and pumpin’
    Talkin’ to him while I’m beatin’ his ass
    Pumpin’ fear talkin’ ’bout nigga you gone retrospect somethin’ here”

    https://youtu.be/_7vQSPBtwyc

    Reply
  8. carrya1911

    It’s hard to make peace with human nature. To accept it for what it is.

    The most difficult thing I see among police and military friends who have spent their careers trying to help people is having to come to terms with the hard truth that a large percentage of human beings simply cannot be helped. Because they are their own problem…and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it except waste your limited resources and life energy in the pursuit of the impossible.

    Reply
    • Jeffrey Zekas

      Well said, carrya911… I would never intervene, now that I am retired. Best course of action: take a video with your phone, call the cops, and file a report. Tell the cops the guy has a knife, and they will respond even quicker. Or better yet, post the video on YouTube and sent the url to all your friends and neighbors.

      Reply
    • -Nate

      ” the hard truth that a large percentage of human beings simply cannot be helped. Because they are their own problem ”

      + ONE MILLION .

      My psycho-bitch ex girl friend comes to mind……

      Feisty and sexy , absolutely the best sex I ever had but she lived for drama I think .

      Certainly she didn’t like happiness nor contentment .

      -Nate

      Reply
      • VolandoBajo

        A mideastern philosopher of about a century ago, G.I. Gurdjieff, once said that people cling to their sorrows more than they cling to their joys, because others will seek to take away their joys, but they can confidently retain their sorrows with absolute certainty.

        Back in a previous life, I was riding alongside a well-known southern party school, errr, university, with a young lady who was just a friend, but a good one. We saw a lanky six foot plus guy wailing on a waifish young girl about five feet tall, and all of about a hundred pounds top, soaking wet.

        At the time, I legally owned a .38 Beretta. I asked my friend if she thought we should get involved…I wanted to intervene but didn’t want to drag her into it. She agreed we should try to help, so I asked her to ask the girl if she wanted help, thinking if a female asked it might help avoid unnecessary escalation.

        I flashed the Beretta I’d removed from the gunbox to indicate that the girl couldn’t be stopped from leaving with us if she wanted to, while my friend asked her if she wanted to get away from the guy beating her.

        Instead, the girl being beaten turned towards us, cursed us out to a degree my former DI would have been impressed with, and told her it was none of our business.

        One of us, I forget who now, said “Sorry. Have a nice day.”, and we drove off.

        I’ll still try to help someone being assaulted by someone larger, etc., but I try to avoid being around such f’ed up relationships in the first place, these days.

        And I try to remember not to cling to my own sorrows, and to dare to seek joy for myself and those I love.

        Reply
    • -Nate

      ” Doing the right thing can be expensive. ”

      Doing the right thing is like pissing your pants when wearing a black suit ~ it gives you a warm feeling but no one else notices .

      =8-^ .

      -Nate

      Reply
  9. Ronnie Schreiber

    He wasn’t double parked, he was parked in a left turn lane in the middle of the street, and I simply gave him a hard time. I may be crazy but I’m not stupid enough to try an arrest someone who has a gun on his hip and a shotgun leaning against the dashboard.

    I choose the windmills to tilt against very carefully these days.

    Reply
  10. don curton

    Well, let’s see. My wife doesn’t like my drinking, cursing, motorcycle, truck, hotrod, fishing, or general laziness and ill-tempered attitude. If he doesn’t mind his women a little older and – ahem – full-figured, I’ll send her on up. On the plus side, she’s a church goer and a good cook. They’d make a lovely couple.

    Reply
  11. Domestic Hearse

    G,

    Let me introduce you to the domestically abused woman. She can choose to leave. She can make it stop. She can call the police and press charges and get an order of protection. She can go to a DV shelter where she can live for free and take advantage of no-charge therapy, food, clothes, and job training. She can get in her car and just drive far away if she wants. Or find herself a man who does not abuse her. She can go to the courthouse and get a court appointed advocate to guide her through obstacles like finding free counsel, divorce filing, asset protection (though I doubt the girl you saved has much need for these state-provided services). I can send you my state’s accreditation requirements for becoming a Licensed Clinical Domestic Violence Counselor — as most of it was written by my wife, the good Dr. Or have you attend the monthly supervision of therapists from her former agency and you can listen as they discuss finer points of treating battered woman syndrome.

    Let me point out what you did by doing right, G. You gave her the cover she needed to make that night’s beating stop. And she got to show her loyalty to her abuser by turning on you, not him. You bought her a week, maybe more. Or at least till the next time he gets a good buzz on and she pisses him off just for breathing.

    Why? Why doesn’t she do the right thing? How could she not recognize you did the right thing? Simple: She hasn’t yet recognized she doesn’t deserve it. Won’t let herself feel she’s better than that because somewhere along the line in her life, this became her normal. Cuz she herself can’t realize it’s wrong.

    See ya in church. I’m there playing every Sunday. I’ve heard horror stories that have upset me badly — made me actually want to go find these pieces of shit and visit justice upon them. Many times. But I didn’t. I went to church and played. One of the few right things I can still do.

    PS: Tell Jack to throw in a couple stomp boxes with that sweet rig. He’s got piles of them.

    Reply
  12. VolandoBajo

    This reminds me of the scene in Breaking Bad where Mike Erhmantraut, the “security” for Gus Fring, explains why he no longer believes in using half measures.

    For those who missed it, he used to be a cop…took a particularly nasty serial wife beater out into the desert, pretended he was going to kill him after he had dug his own grave, then let him off with a warning that next time he would follow through.

    A week later the guy he let off the hook killed the woman.

    No half measures…

    Reply
  13. viper32cm

    Please recommend to G that he contact the Ohio Justice & Policy Center (http://www.ohiojpc.org/). I volunteer for a similar group in Georgia, and they might be able to help him out or point him to someone who can. Obviously, his conviction could prove to be an obstacle in his life moving forward, so, hopefully, Ohio has some good law on restricting access to criminal records.

    I really wish for his sake he had an attorney, but I’m guessing from your description of him that he either didn’t have the money or had some faith that the system would work for him and uncover the truth.

    Reply

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