Monogamy and Friendship by a Woman Who’s Failed at Both

I don’t keep in touch with many friends from my youth. People change, right? Or maybe we don’t change, but we become more comfortable with who we really are. That is probably what makes life long friendships hard to maintain.

I have exactly one Ride-or-Die, Letty-and-Dom friend who has stood by me through the thick and thin of my messy adult life. We’ve been friends for a decade and she is, without a doubt, my soulmate. We speak several times a day (often comical because we live in different time zones), and she is  my go-to person about everything in my life. We often joke about how we can’t wait to get old so we can sit in rocking chairs and drink whiskey on the porch in the house we’ll buy together. Of course, when we met, I didn’t have a porch. Or a house. Or much of anything.

I met her at my literal rock bottom. My ex-husband had thrown me out because I had zero desire to be married any longer, and when I say that he threw me out, I mean that he literally changed the locks on the house and left all my belongings on the front yard. I came home from work to a stranger standing outside the house waiting for me to turn over my car keys because my husband had sold him the very car I was driving . After the guy leaves in my beloved Acura, I get a text message from my husband saying that he had removed my name from all our bank accounts and cancelled all of my credit cards. I was 28 years old and had ten dollars in my pocket. And nothing else. Including friends. Well, that’s not exactly true. More on that in a bit.

Of course, I deserved all of it. The whole episode took place almost exactly a year after we had gotten married – I dated him during the last year of grad school, and like most privileged white girls nowadays who are terrified about being forced to leave the womb of the campus, I had no clue what direction I wanted to go in life. I was great at teaching kids how to swim, I excelled at dissecting and discussing literature, and I was fairly good at hustling my parents to get what I needed at the time. But, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. He at least knew that he wanted to get married, and I knew that I liked a good party. Over fifty thousand dollars later, I was married to this guy and living in the hell hole known as Syracuse, New York.

I hated it. And I let him know it. Looking back, I’m not sure he wanted to be married to me either – we had absolutely zero in common other than the fact that we had graduated from the same school and we both liked to play Scrabble. I think that’s how we managed to stay married for a year. We would drink cheap red wine and play Scrabble every single night when he got home from work. I haven’t played Scrabble since—guess I didn’t really like it as much as I thought.

It’s no wonder that I was bored. I found a job doing one of the things that I’m good at—coaching high school swimmers. A local high school had fired their coach mid-season and put an ad in the paper. I had previously been a very successful coach at a high school in Ohio, and because Ohio is strangely a mecca for United States Swimming, I did one phone interview and had the job. So, I went to work, and I went at it 100%.  Rediscovering my passion for coaching made me realize that I didn’t care about being married at all, and I sure as hell didn’t value monogamy.

So I slept with the 21 year old head lifeguard. And I got pregnant. Oops. So when my husband kicked me out, I was staring at everything I owned on a wet lawn and I was 8 weeks pregnant. That’s what I believe most people refer to as “rock bottom.”

In New York, in cases of infidelity, you are required to wait a year before a judge would sign off on a dissolution of marriage. And you’re also required to live in the state the whole time. And you’re also required to legally determine paternity. This is all loads of fun. It’s especially fun being pregnant on a couch in a really awful apartment in a city you already hate with 21 year old college drop outs. But, I mean, where else could I go?

My parents weren’t speaking to me because my ex had so kindly filled them in on my escapades, and I didn’t know anyone else. And, I was suddenly responsible for another human. I couldn’t hustle myself out of that situation. And I was alone. Desperately, painfully alone. Keeping people “on the fringe” had backfired in a very, very ugly way, and for the first time in life I was facing a scenario where I wasn’t exactly sure how I would be able to recover.

I had to take a job at a local law firm editing legal briefs. This was the seventh circle of hell in terms of jobs, but it had benefits and it paid well enough that I could at least support myself. By the third day, I was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, wondering how I’d gotten there and how I’d ever get out. Miranda walked into the bathroom, took one look at me, and said, “You’re tall and tan, and I’m not sure I really even like you because you appear to be dating the boy who moves the file boxes around, but it’s clear that you need a cheeseburger, so come with me.”

There’s a lot that’s happened between that cheeseburger lunch and now. Too much for me to dive into here, and frankly, a lot that’s still kind of hard to talk about. I do view my life in a “Pre-Miranda” and “Post-Miranda” way. Our friendship changed my life. I feel the need to be the best version of myself with her, and she challenges me to get there. But, she also can slug liquor with me and watch Magic Mike on tv thousands of miles away while we solve the world’s problems via text messages. I would go to the ends of the earth for her and I know she would for me. We have completely different lives, and on the surface there isn’t much that ties us together. But, it’s the respect we have for each other and where we’ve been in life that drives our entire relationship. I am not a sentimental person, but I am grateful that my twisted path brought us together.

I moved cross-country a couple of years ago. The 21 year old lifeguard? I married him. He grew up (somewhat) and became an attorney, and he took a new job out west. It was hard to leave her – she was the person I felt I had grown up with; the fact that she was often my lifeline made leaving somewhat scary. I’m legally married to my husband, but I learned the value of monogamy through my friendship with her. I don’t know if I’ll be married to my husband forever. I really don’t. I value our marriage because it produced three amazing kids, but I’m also quietly reflective on the fact that marriage gets harder as I continue to fall deeper into who I really am as a person and a mother and a friend.

But what I do know is that Miranda and I will be together in exactly 23 days in Las Vegas on what will be the (almost) anniversary of a decade of friendship. And the very first thing we’ll do is get a cheeseburger.

 

 

 

 

67 Replies to “Monogamy and Friendship by a Woman Who’s Failed at Both”

  1. Miranda

    There is no one that I would rather have as my soulmate and partner in crime in this crazy life. I know that we came into each other’s lives at exactly the perfect time and I can’t wait to continue the adventure with you. Also, thank you for making me sob and have to close my office door so now everyone here will have something to talk about for the rest of the day. Love you!

  2. Mental

    I admire your loyalty to your friend.

    “I value our marriage because it produced three amazing kids, but I’m also quietly reflective on the fact that marriage gets harder as I continue to fall deeper into who I really am as a person and a mother and a friend.”
    I am curious, and I can seem to type this out in manner that doesn’t sound like a dick, other than to say I am not trying to be a dick.
    With your friendship you place an emphasis on loyalty and respect. But for your marriage you say the value is because it produced children? No mention of loyalty or respect? Why in one relationship and not the other?

    Maybe I am reading to much onto it. It reads as if you are slipping one foot out the door, justifying the action on some preconceived notion of your personality. That seems completely at odds with your other contributions where you seem to emphasize a control our own destiny and a mastery of our emotions.

    Just a thought, not trying to be rude.

    If you are looking for a really good Cheeseburger, try Zest. It used to be called Off The Strip, but then they opened a second location in a casino. It is in a suburban strip mall and the appearance will deceive you. Its legit and they have solid wine list. I am not a wine person but it gets rave reviews. Originally founded by a group of head chefs from the casinos looking to avoid the politics of the business.

    The Rolled New Yorks are amazing

    http://restaurantssouthernhighlands.com/menu/

    • Lizzie McGuire

      First, thanks for the tip- I love hearing about the “off the beaten path” places in Vegas- good burgers and good wine list = excellent dining in my book.

      Second, you’re not coming across as a dick at all- it’s a legitimate question. I’m definitely loyal to my husband and I do respect the hell out of him – he was 21 when he found out he was having a kid with an almost 29 year old and he completely “did right” by the situation and by me. But, we’ve both changed a hell of a lot in almost ten years and I guess what I’m saying is it’s maybe easier to be “who I am now” or whatever with my friend than it is in my marriage. The hubs has never been “my best friend” and I know I’m not his- I totally value having this whole other relationship where I feel like I can be the most real. I think true friendship sustains change a bit easier than marriage…..I guess that’s why “they” say marriage is a lot of work. I didn’t mean to imply that I had “a foot out the door” (although I can totally see how you read it this way)…..but, more that I’m glad at this point of my life that I have that “unconditional love” friend (or whatever) in my life.

      Thanks for the comment!

  3. Frank Galvin

    27-28 is an interesting age. For my close friends, that age was the time we all collectively got our shit together. Law School, Film Editing, getting out of jail for the last time, and the police academy. My now-wife left her asshole ex and moved 2500 miles away when she was 27. We eloped a few years later – we weren’t expecting Jr. to arrive when he did. She sounds like you, and I do wonder if she can or will stay married to me till death do us part. If anything, she’s gotten better at letting me know who she is; wife, mother, daughter, and her other hats. She’s willing to tell me, and I’m willing to listen. Have fun in Vegas.

  4. Sseigmund

    “I married him. He grew up (somewhat)”

    I figured out a long time ago that growing up is something like dying. I don’t ever what to “grow up”. I still have a zeal for life and the dreams of boy, and I don’t ever want to let that go until the light is goes completely out. And, as I read somewhere recently, I don’t have to go to sleep to dream.

    • Lizzie McGuire

      That Fiona…..amazing lyricist.

      I only make the joke because he’s 8.5 years younger than me…..

  5. smallblock

    I was wondering from your earlier super bowl / political posts how you ended up an Orange fan.
    I have to defend Syracuse, since I was born there, and owned a house there for 10+ years. I have since moved to a suburb to the south.
    If you want a vibrant city center, Syracuse isn’t for you. It probably won’t ever be. If you want somewhere with a relatively low cost of living, and close to great parks, lakes, mountain bike trails, etc. it’s hard to beat CNY. The Adirondacks or Lake Ontario aren’t far away, either.
    Have fun in Las Vegas.

    • Lizzie McGuire

      Oh, the Cuse grew on me after 10 years. There’s something about the grittiness and honesty of the people there that is incredibly endearing. And, I miss Wegman’s every day.

      When I moved there I lived on the South Side off Geddes- that wasn’t ideal. Later we moved out to the F/M area by Green Lakes, and that was a wonderful area. I miss going there in the fall- the fall colors around that area are astounding. And yes, I’m now a die-hard Orange fan……and, I hope they play better in a couple weeks than they did today…..

      • smallblock

        I had a chance to leave CNY, for Irvine, CA. I interviewed on a Friday, and everybody there just seemed like they were already in weekend mode. I then came back to CNY and interviewed with people who were just straight up legit. The guy I took a job with was like a father to me. Nice weather makes you soft, in my opinion.
        CUSE – They had a rough day, no doubt. My coworker had to take a long lunch for some reason, and came back and told me that Miami must have made a deal with Xenu, because they were hitting shots at a rate they hadn’t all season.
        Green Lakes is awesome. Gannon’s Isle makes good ice cream, and Green Hills is my favorite grocery store. They have great donuts, meats, and beer. Left to my own devices that’s all I’d need. Wegman’s is great and all, Ask Alec Baldwin’s mother, but it’s too crowded in Dewitt, no matter the hour.

  6. Mark

    I don’t know you or want to seem rude, but my observations are — you are a great writer, have had a rich and triumphant life so far, may be a lesbian, and hopefully the lifeguard reads your columns.

  7. DirtRoads

    OMG I’ll be 59 this year and am on marriage #3. The first one is just the one you should do to get it out of the way. The second one should be a helluva lot more solid.

    In fact, you really do have to lose parts of yourself — not ALL, but part — to stay in a marriage with anyone.

    I didn’t really learn that until my third marriage. Now, none of my marriages produced any children, although I’m pretty sure I have a son. But I won’t fuck up his life by having a DNA test just because his mom and I had a thing. I even videotaped the birth for the happy couple; we were all that close.

    But I digress. Mentioned the children because I only have now a 27 yo step daughter.

    Thing is, you’re not committed to your marriage from the way you wrote about it. Like Mental, I’m not trying to be a dick here either, but after all I’ve gone through I can read between the lines. You may like the guy, love parts of him, cherish the children you made with him and some of the times you’ve had. But you are not deeply in love.

    Not everyone gets to find that in life though, and it’s OK. And you have Miranda to help keep you straight. [Miranda, this is one of the reasons you’re in her life, so she doesn’t fuck it up more than if she were still on her own, without you!] Truly deep, lasting love is a rare thing. I thought I found it, and maybe I did, but even she cheated on me; I still married her because I didn’t find out till later. Now I say that because it shows there is forgiveness, and nobody should wear rose-colored glasses at any time in life.

    But don’t cheat on the hubby if you choose to move on, please. Talk to him, let him know he’s losing you, then move on before you hit it with someone else. That’s the right way to do it, and it won’t scare your karma like other, harsher methods.

    Now I’m sitting here wondering why I wrote all this out. I hope some of it makes sense. I can empathize. And I also was a cheater for years, so I know of what I speak.

    • Lizzie McGuire

      I appreciate your wisdom. I think it’s inevitably a deep conversation because……do you really need to give up part of yourself for a successful marriage? I agree that you have to give up parts of yourself to be a successful Mother- and, I’m completely honest when I say I’m honored to do that for my kids. But, if I’m giving up parts of myself for my kids and my husband…..what’s left? It’s the enternal marriage conundrum. I’m not sure I’ve ever talked to a Mother (or Father, for that matter) deep in the throes of raising young children who fees like she’s deeply in love with her partner. It’s sort of a teammate situation……and, do you respect and like each other enough to stick it out until it’s fun again? Probably too deep for a Wednesday evening….. ha.

      • Frank Galvin

        That’s the $64,000.00 qustion. What is left? And what part of you did you give up? What did he give up? He also spent three years in law school and graduated into the worst legal job market since God knows when. Aside from having three wonderful kids – how stressful has it been the last ten years? A complete blur no doubt too. It’s like the roller-coaster never stops.

  8. Tomko

    It’s refreshing to read a woman’s perspective. But I do like Syracuse for what it offers in terms of climate, geography and proximity to other places.

    • Lizzie McGuire

      You’re totally right…….the brisket and
      mac and cheese with the jalenpenos in it cannot be duplicated…..

  9. Person With Computer

    John Mull’s Roadkill Grill is a great bbq place worth the drive out to the edge of the suburbs, near the North Las Vegas airport. Fun and friendly staff, pleasant basic outdoor seating

  10. DeadWeight

    No wonder this site sucks; because of bullshit like this.

    The irony is that Jack & young bro Mark, being Trump ball lickers, probably don’t realize this “woe is me” tale is everything that their anti-villain, Bannon, would be physically sickened by.

    Stickman would beat Lizzie down and claim that it’s righteous (I would not endorse such acts of violence, but there’s no doubt that The Trumpian Guard Stickmen & Stickwomen would flog Lizzie with a self-approved righteous thunder).
    So let’s recap, by your own statements:

    1) While married, you fucked a 21 yo lifeguard, not your husband, and got pregnant.

    2) Your ex threw you to the curb.

    3) The former lifeguard went on to earn undergrad and law degrees and obtained a position as an attorney, and is now a providing husband, to you and your 3 beautiful children.

    4) Despite this, you publicly express doubts about the degree of your dedication to your current situation, writing that:

    “The 21 year old lifeguard? I married him. He grew up (somewhat) and became an attorney, and he took a new job out west. It was hard to leave her – she was the person I felt I had grown up with; the fact that she was often my lifeline made leaving somewhat scary. I’m legally married to my husband, but I learned the value of monogamy through my friendship with her. I don’t know if I’ll be married to my husband forever. I really don’t. I value our marriage because it produced three amazing kids, but I’m also quietly reflective on the fact that marriage gets harder as I continue to fall deeper into who I really am as a person and a mother and a friend.”

    And you want sympathy, like you’re a martyr, or something?

    WHAT THE FUCK. IS THIS FICTION?

    It’s not as if you aren’t allowed mistakes, regrets and what have you.

    It’s that your BITCHING ABOUT CONSCIOUS DECISIONS (MANY APPARENTLY COMPULSIVE ONES) THAT YOU MADE, as if you’re deserving of sympathy, when scorn is more appropriate.

    I have had MANY friends and family recently dealing with actual problems, like cancer, children dying in auto accidents or overdoses, suicides,etc.

    You cheated on your first husband, are having doubts about your second marriage (despite having children with the man who is apparently providing and loyal), and if we are to not even stretch your words too far, intimate that you have some form of lesbian relationship going on currently (please correct me if I’m wrong?

    Get fucking real. You don’t have problems, but self-imposed issues due to a lack of respect and loyalty for others.

    WHAT THE FUCK. GO AIR YOUR SHIT ON JERRY SPRINGER.

    • arbuckle

      “Stickman would beat Lizzie down and claim that it’s righteous (I would not endorse such acts of violence, but there’s no doubt that The Trumpian Guard Stickmen & Stickwomen would flog Lizzie with a self-approved righteous thunder).”

      WTF are you talking about?

    • Dirty Dingus McGee

      Perhaps you would be kind enough to direct us simpletons to YOUR website, so that we can become enlightened like you. Where we can read about all your victory’s in the courtroom, your triumphant forays against the evil right wing, fascinating tales of your romantic liaisons, etc.

      What? You don’t have a site?
      I’m certain you’ll rectify that soon. Right? So that us half wits will no longer be left stumbling about in an ignorant fog.

      And I’m just gonna leave this here;

    • Rod Jones

      “Jack & young bro Mark, being Trump ball lickers” is a description of the brothers Baruth by Deadweight that I completely agree with. It still blows me away how two seemingly smart guys can be all in for a president who two months into his administration has made conspiracy thinking mainstream. Conspiracy theories, rumor and outright lies now drive the news cycle. In the long term, the damage Trump has done to trust, by the normalization of untruth, will ruin us as a nation. How can these guys validate a man who has caused this to occur?

      • Jack BaruthJack Baruth

        If Bark and I are Trump ball kickers, what does that make the #ImWithHer crowd?

        I don’t know if Trump will be a great President. I do think it was a certainty that Mrs. Clinton would have been a bad one. Furthermore, did this country really need TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS of Bush/Clinton monarchy?

        • Rod Jones

          Can this country survive being run by a unread, pathological liar who mainly gets his information from cable tv news, Alex Jones, and Brannon/Brietbart? Clinton was not a likable person but at least she was well read and dealt with real facts instead of pulling ever bigger whoppers out of his ass the way Trump does.

    • DeadWeight

      Click-bait.

      Lizzie’s Struggles.

      I’m starting a gofundme for Lizzie.

      I’m doing the head shave for St. Baldrick’:

      “St. Baldrick’s head-shaving events began as a challenge between businessmen and have grown from one event in 2000 to over 1,200 events in 2016, raising critical funds for childhood cancer research. Events take place in pubs, restaurants, schools, churches, parks, malls, military bases, firehouses and any other place you can imagine.”

      https://www.stbaldricks.org/head-shaving/

      I’m doing way more than just a donation, however. It’s the least that I can do.

      I try and do all that I can for childhood cancer research. I dated a pediatric nurse who worked at the childhood oncology section at The University of Michigan Medical Center while in college, and hearing her experiences while at work left an indelible scar on my soul.

      I have a very good friend from college who just died of pancreatic cancer at age 41, 7 months after diagnosis, leaving a wife and two children behind.

      A co-worker of mine just dealt with his son (a super-bright, highly athletic 17 year old – 4.0 GPA at competitive school taking AP courses, contender for all-state in soccer and baseball, a Big Brother Volunteer) dying in a car accident not of his own fault.

      In the meantime, this righteous dude just read Lizzie’s tale of woe-is-me, and is coming for her and people like her:

      http://i.imgur.com/DUj1vr9.jpg

      • Bark M

        Explain to me how clickbait works on a site that has no advertising and generates no revenue, if you’d be so kind. Thanks.

      • Ken

        ….I secretly enjoy DWs counter points. Sometimes the banter on this site can be just as good as the main article.

        That said, I do give credit to the author here – she’s bearing a not quite rosy part of her past. It does take some guts to do that. Its real and its an interesting read. I’m not really sure, what (if anything – like empathy) I’m supposed to feel from it.

        DW, though harsh, does have a couple good points. 1) This is a self imposed struggle and its hard to feel bad for someone like that. (Although, like I said, I’m not sure the author was even going for sympathy.) And, interestingly, 2) This piece could just as easily have been on HuffPo, linked here, and then be dissected by Mark (maybe Jack) on how liberal feminists hold no value in the tradition of marriage.

        • Bark M

          While she’s quite capable of defending herself here, I’ll just point out that Lizzie is no liberal. Far from it.

  11. Frank Galvin

    Ah DW – never stop being the proverbial turd in the punchbowl. Sayz site sucks, but continually cranks out a plethora of e- diarrhea. You never disappoint.

    • DeadWeight

      Blah, blah, Frank.

      If you want to shed tears for Lizzie’s tragic life, go for it.

      But your obviously deeply illogical and confused for doing so.

      Can she borrow a couple grand from you for her Vegas excursionS.

      • Frank Galvin

        Who said anything about shedding a tear? You’re cursed with making assumptions about those you’ve never met, which form the basis of your identity; an impotent rage monkey hurling his insult feces at those behind the glass, covering himself with shit everytime it bounces back, yet constantly throwing.

        Throw monkey, throw! Entertain me with your predictable wit!

  12. Ronnie Schreiber

    One is tempted to say something about female hypergamy but instead I’ll ask why so many American women don’t want to be wives?

    Sure, plenty of them want to be married and have the financial security of access to a man’s income (and later pension), but the fact remains that 75% of divorces are initiated by women. They may want to get married, but I’m not sure they want to stay married.

    How many American women want to be their husbands’ lovers?

    In a related matter, is there genuinely a market for a drug that deals with women’s lack of sexual desire? I keep hearing about trials for drugs that treat loss of sexual desire in women, but do women who don’t want to have sex really care about not wanting to have sex?

    • everybodyhatesscott

      The first thing I thought of was hypergamy. I don’t feel bad for lizzie but it’s one of the few times I’ve seen a woman say she deserved the consequences of her terrible actions.

      I’d be generally surprised if any woman didn’t at some point think about getting out of her marriage. I’d say ‘don’t do it’ but no one listens to random commenters on the internet. I also have no expectations about having to be married to your best friend. I’ve also never been married.

      • Miranda

        Considering the lifeguard was living in a crappy apartment and was working part time “moving boxes”, I’m really confused about how readers are jumping to the conclusion of hypergamy.

        • everybodyhatesscott

          I don’t know if I’ll be married to my husband forever. I really don’t.

          It was more in regards to this line. It’s not the only thing I took out of it but it was the first thing that came to mind. Maybe cause I’d literally just read a different article on hypergamy right before so it was fresh on my mind. I also get it’s a piece about friendship. Most of my response is a response to the other comments and not the piece itself.

          I didn’t think it was a cry for sympathy but apparently some people did.

          • Miranda

            Thank you for the clarification. I will be blasted for this as well, but I don’t know if I will be married to my husband forever either. We can’t see the future. What if he leaves me? What if he dies? What if he wakes up one day and decides our life is not what he wants? What if he develops a horrible addiction to prostitutes (tongue in cheek here, people)? Does this mean that none of us wake up each day and try? No, of course not. We do all we can to foster our relationships. All of them. And the point is, that Lizzie and I have each other to get us through whatever comes our way.

          • Ronnie Schreiber

            Miranda, all of your what ifs involve your husband leaving you. The vast majority of divorces are initiated by women.

            Single women complain the men won’t commit but it’s married women who pull the ripcord on their marriages.

          • Kevin Jaeger

            I don’t care for the way Deadweight blends crass rudeness with incoherence, but I also find something a little off about a married woman with children so casually musing in public about ending her marriage.

            I get that some days marriage is hard, but that type of casually dropped comment grates.

  13. bbakkerr

    I don’t like the “History of Lizzie” story, and I agree with DeadWeight, but wouldn’t judge that strongly.

    I sense a lack of consistency between the conservative viewpoints applied previously by Lizzie to the current political scene and the lack of application to her own life. She needs to walk her own talk.

    It is possible to be married with kids and have plenty of room for positive self-expression. The word “positive” implies that you are not secretly rebelling against the marriage you freely chose to enter in your sacred quest for personal self-expression. You can make art, run marathons, and improve yourself in countless ways while remaining part of a family. I don’t know why you seem to think you need to run away to be “yourself” or whatever BS that is. You say “stick it out until it’s fun again” … christ, what a selfish load of shit.

    You get married, you stick with it. That’s how it works.

    You get a pet, you make a deal with yourself to care for it until it expires. You don’t leave it on the street because you’re tired of letting it out to pee early in the morning.

    You don’t leave a path of destruction in your wake just because you “feel” unfulfilled or some such shit. What glorious achievements are you being held back from? Doing the same cycle again with someone new?

    Maybe there is some self-sabotage going on here because of you don’t think you’re worthy of being comfortable and loved. God only knows all the psychological angles.

    Yes, I do expect perfection from others, and myself. Ya gotta have goals, and hopefully, inevitable failures don’t cause much grief to others.

    I suppose if everyone objectively told their life stories, we’d all be dismayed and disappointed.

      • sabotenfighter

        She’ll be there in 23 days, not for. Though the way it was written, I totally understand the confusion. I had to read that twice.

  14. Djarum

    Interesting discussion.

    I’ve never been married, but I have been with the same woman for over 15 years. We’ve lived together for close to 14 years.

    She is my best friend. I think thats why its worked all these years. I know married folks who say that their spouse isn’t their best friend. I just have a hard time believing that if your s.o. isn’t your best friend, then its not going to last forever.

    Life is always about compromise. In life, just because we make compromises, doesn’t mean we still don’t feel or think a certain way. The only time we lose apart of ourselves is when that fundamentally changes. Personally, there are things I still want to do, but haven’t done them because of relationship compromises. Its always a balance between what we want, what we need, and what we value. I value my relationship over my wants. That doesn’t change what I want, how I think, or how I feel. Life would be awefully boring if my s.o. agreed with everything I wanted. Then I’m not challenged, and part of being in any relationship I believe is being challenged.

  15. Lizzie McGuire

    What’s fascinating to me here is that many readers believe I’m looking for sympathy. And/or may be a lesbian. (We got a good laugh out of that one – for the record, women can be incredibly close friends and not want to have sex with each other).

    Here are some additional truths for you:
    1. I’m not looking for sympathy or empathy. I’m fully aware of the hideousness of my past mistakes, and I can assure all of you that I never played the victim card. I owned my behavior as well as how it affected others. I never expect anyone to “feel bad” for me or fix my problems – you’re all missing the point of the entire piece. I’m simply thankful for the fact that a friend came into my life while I was at an incredibly low point and helped me get through it. Having this friend helped me realize that I do need to own my mistakes and strive to be a better person and a better partner, EVEN when I’m unsure of what the future holds. Guess what – that doesn’t make me a victim or a lesbian. It makes me human. Admitting that you have made mistakes is how you grow as a person.
    2. The Lifeguard does read my columns. Let’s reflect on the fact that he also slept with a married woman way back when, and he owns this too. If you think that these few paragraphs encompass our entire relationship, you’re crazy. You can make comments about how I am riding on his coattails, or female hypergamy (I’m legit confused by that one, to be honest), but we’re pretty solid on the fact that we are where we are in life because we worked together to get here. You know what else we agree on?……
    3. Marriage is hard. It’s especially hard when you have three little kids. That’s why we celebrate people who have been married for 40-50 years or longer. Last year my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. The biggest lesson I’ve taken away from the success of my parents’ relationship is the fact that there are just some days (months, years) that if you want to stay together, you must wake up every day and decide that you’re going to stay together and honor your vow to each other. And sometimes, that’s really hard. Sometimes it’s not. Some days, my husband and I have fun, and other days, we can’t stand each other and it’s not fun at all. This is called real life. But, you get up and try again tomorrow. And I think the fact that we can both openly admit when we’re unsure of the relationship and having issues makes us pretty unique. And hey, we’re still married, even though life is pretty crazy. Cause here’s the thing: The Lifeguard isn’t threatened by the fact that I can admit past wrongs and that relationships are complicated. The future of bliss is promised to no one, and the fact that we’re both able to reflect on that makes us better people and better partners to each other.
    4. My husband is NOT my best friend. Having Miranda in my life makes me a better wife. The Lifeguard would tell you this, and, in fact, laughed out loud when he read some of the comments last night. Both of our husbands fully encourage our relationship. They support our girls weekend trips. My husband flew Miranda across the country for my birthday when we first moved West as a surprise. Clearly, they aren’t threatened by our relationship, and, in fact, I think they’re both happy that we have each other so that we’re not dependent on them for the emotional shit they don’t want to deal with.
    5. And by the way, I’m about as far from a “liberal feminist” as one can get…….The Lifeguard thought that was pretty funny, too. But, hey……keep on making assumptions about someone’s life from several paragraphs. Good day, gentlemen.

    • smallblock

      I’m constantly amazed at how much some readers can inaccurately infer about someone far beyond what they actually wrote.

      • Miranda

        So many (incorrect) assumptions were made here that it was (for the most part) laughable and I really feel like the point of the “story” was missed. But, I keep reminding myself that people make comments based on their perceptions which come from the shit that they are dealing with in their own lives.

        • DeadWeight

          Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

          I know, right?

          It’s as if there was talk of being essentially ho-hum about an existing marriage with 3 kids, where the current husband is spoken of as a fall-back plan that materialized out of circumstance, and anyone who could possibly read anything remotely girl-girl crush, let alone more, must be reading another publication entirely!

          It’s as if someone came along and stated that Lizzie seems bored, at best, and completely unfulfilled, at worst, in her current marriage, and moreover, given her admitted lack of loyalty or commitment to anyone other Cheeseburger Miranda, would have to be popping heavy meds to in any way interpret her as wondering lustfully about leaving her life behind, and starting a new one gettin’ with Miranda!

          O.M.G.

          Heeeheeeeheee!

    • 98horn

      Yeah, it’s tough to have kids. Not alot of time for romance when you’re watching calliou, doing laundry, cleaning up poop, cooking dinner and earning a living. “Netflix and Chill” is a thing of the past, by simple necessity. My parents had a running joke about being married 10+ years and having hall sex. That’s when you pass each other in the hall, one spouse says “Fuck You” and the other spouse says “Fuck You, Too”.

  16. Prolapsed Comment

    It was simpler times when were just remembering Harambe now and then.

    I found this submission fascinating, and there are a lot of parallels to my own life. Despite disagreeing with a lot of what’s said on this site (usually the politics), I enjoy the level of literacy and awareness expressed by the site owners and their guests. The rancor expressed by readers who apparently navigate here of their own free will escapes me. As far as I can tell, no puppies or millennials have suffered actual physical harm in order to produce the content found here.

  17. Rob

    “for the record, women can be incredibly close friends and not want to have sex with each other” Lizzie, you are KILLING ME HERE.

    Also, 2nd worst Acura review ever.

  18. -Nate-Nate

    Good story here about two long time close Friends .
    .
    Courageous to write it as looking in the mirror scares the crap out of most folks .
    .
    As far as Women needing pills to want sex….?! WTH ?! my Sweetie is old, as am I and as soon as she stops wanting physical attention I’ll know _I_ have lost the ability or desire to keep her happy .
    .
    As so often is the case, lots of good insightful comments here and some boobs who are broadcasting their ignorance and fear loudly in case some one missed it .
    .
    So many comments to respond to, maybe later .
    .
    -Nate

  19. Mason

    “My parents weren’t speaking to me because my ex had so kindly filled them in on my escapades, and I didn’t know anyone else.”

    That stood out to me. Well, the entire story stood out to me. I’m quite frankly not sure what I’m supposed to gather from this other than the author seems incredibly manipulative and abusive to the other’s in her life. And I don’t want to feel that was but fuck… where was the redeeming quality I should have read about?

  20. Rod Jones

    What did I write that was not true? In less than two months Trump has become the laughingstock of the world. He has lied so much that nobody believes him or takes him seriously. This guy controls the thousands of nukes, the worlds most powerful military organization and the world considers him to be an erratic, uninformed fool. This situation, in my opinion, is very dangerous.

    • Rob

      “This guy controls the thousands of nukes, the worlds most powerful military organization and the world considers him to be an erratic, uninformed fool.” Well, I wasn’t quite ready to say he’s Reaganesque, but okay, you’ve convinced me.

  21. -Nate-Nate

    I hope those who say ‘ trump ball lickers ‘ etc. realize they’re no better than the bush supporters who said ‘ not _MY_ President ! ‘ for eight long years .
    .
    Consider looking in the mirror occasionally .
    .
    -Nate

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