Spotter’s Guide To The April/May Issue Of CityScene Columbus Magazine

My long-time readers know that I can be very protective, even belligerent, when it comes to discussing the merits of an Ohio lifestyle. I was transplanted to the Midwest as a tween-ager and although I despised it in the early years I have come to believe that central Ohio is a good place to live and work. Twenty years’ worth of traveling the country and (occasionally) the world has only served to confirm me in this bigoted, insular Stockholm-syndrome opinion.

With that said, there are a few things I continue to truly hate about Ohio, and the cover of the newest CityScene magazine is a veritable tableau of them. This fellow knew that he was going to be photographed for a piece spotlighting various Columbus-area guitar collectors. He figured that this was the right time for an Ohio State golf visor, a Serbian-issue pullover, and the cheapest watch you can get off QVC between two and three in the morning. I spend much of my life surrounded by people exactly like this. “Male basic bitches” is what Mrs. Baruth calls them, and I have to agree. There is no time in your life when it’s a good idea to advertise that you went to “THE Ohio State University”, although I will concede my younger brother surely holds a different opinion.

Rest assured, however, that I have not chosen to spotlight this fine publication merely so I could express my disappointment with the cover.


Early last month, I welcomed the lovely-and-talented Amanda DePerro to my home so she could take a look at some of my favorite guitars and listen to me rant in a quite insane manner about mid-life crises, amplifier repair, Paul Reed Smith, and the Nicene-creed variant of my personal origin story. I believe that she left quite convinced that advancing her career in color-rag production past the municipal level would only result in a sort of semi-syphilitic madness. She was certainly very gracious about declining my ungentlemanly offer of a drink or ten.

Amazingly, Ms. DePerro hits most of the high notes in just a few paragraphs: my obsessive nature, ocean fade guitars, multiple marriages, complaints about my father, ridiculous jargon, shocking sexual audacity, and repulsive images of the ghetto. I think it’s quite delightful. Today I rode my CB1100 over to her office. When she came out to greet me, I chivalrously managed not to suggest that we put her on the back of my bike and go riding down by old man Johnson’s farm.

I left with just a few copies of the magazine and a tangible sense of loss. Never again will I grace the pages of CityScene. I’m not particularly wealthy or notable; I’m certainly not charitable or sociable. This was my one chance at fame and it is gone, Daddy-O. Fifty years from now, my son will only remember me as the fellow who was briefly discussed in a magazine with an OSU golf visor on the cover. You can read the complete text, minus one or two of the photos, at the CityScene website.

26 Replies to “Spotter’s Guide To The April/May Issue Of CityScene Columbus Magazine”

  1. MrGreenMan

    Rest assured, however, that I have not chosen to spotlight this fine publication merely so I could express my disappointment with the cover.

    It’s a valid enough reason on its own merits. He didn’t think that one through. The cover would have had more joke value if he’d been naked.

  2. Adam

    But that’s the point. He only cares about guitars. Hell, he would be completely naked if it were not for some stuff the the intern snapper with extended pointing an iphone at things skills brought with from his dress like a refugee Friday at Harvard. What are are his alternatives? Personal hygiene? Shaving? Marriage? Nope, he fends them all off with that white whatever it is (I know all three types: Strat, Gibson Semi and Ukelele) You are pretty glad he’s holding that and not you.

    His hair is completely fascinating. Salutations to Mrs B.

  3. I COME IN PEACE

    Visor-bro really treasures that Thunderbird signed by the bass player from Mötley Crüe….I don’t think it’s actually worth anything, or is it? Is he dead or something? Is it an Ohio thing? The mind boggles….I think there has been at least three different guitar brands that make, or have at one point in time, made a Nixxtii Syxxxzzk signature bass, so I think the market is overburdened enough as it is.

    • Jack BaruthJack Baruth Post author

      At least he’s holding a musical instrument like that, and not a kidnapped kid, you dig?

      • Kvndoom

        You /say/ that, but I’m not kidding when I say that the first word to pop into my head when I saw that cover was… “Jared?”

    • Disinterested-Observer

      I couldn’t help myself, I went and read the article. Apparently Baruth is lucky enough to share the city and the article with the nation’s foremost collector of Crue memorabilia. What I want to know is what kind of a day job Mr. Ohio State has to be able to afford that crap.

  4. arbuckle

    Dude is too busy repping O-H-I-O and being on the edge of Mötley Crüe fandom to care about your fruity New Yorker fashion crap.

  5. Patrick

    I usually only read your blog for the Ice-T references. Thanks for throwing me a bone today.

    Also, super-duper alert readers will spot my bass amp in one of the magazine’s photographs.

  6. Steve Ulfelder

    THE Ohio State University cracks me up every time I hear an NFLer say it on TV. To their credit, most say it mockingly. My fellow alums and I like to remind one another that we went to THE Ohio Wesleyan University just outside Columbus.

    • Acd

      On a football broadcast earlier this year an alum came up with an even worse version of THE Ohio State University. After announcing his name he proudly said “THE Ohio State.”

  7. Paul

    Jack is that your kitchen with the guitars next to some island cabinets? If so I need to complain. Your floors in the kitchen are as bad as the guy’s outfit on cover of that magazine.

    May I suggest you upgrade to travertine with muted beige/light green tones, or better yet black and white checkerboard marble flooring. Those tiles are so bottom feeder in style as bad as vinyl plastic flooring in my old apartment complexes.

    • Jack BaruthJack Baruth Post author

      You sound just like my wife!

      When I had the house built sixteen years ago, I asked for the most durable tile money could buy. The answer to that was DalTile’s “French Quarter” in the “Bourbon Street” finish. I was told that they use it in McDonald’s restaurants. In the years since I’ve punished it in every way you can imagine, from dropping torque wrenches to riding a motorcycle on it to dragging a four-hundred-and-fifty-pound steel server rack across it without benefit of sliders. I’ve had just three tiles crack, none of which gave up the ghost completely.

      Yes, it’s ugly and no, it does not look like anything in the French Quarter. But I expect it to outlive the house. Unless, that is, I leave said house for more than 72 hours, in which case Mrs. Baruth will almost certainly replace it.

      • Paul M.

        Jack, your wife sounds like she has impeccable taste 🙂

        I completely understand the functional vs. aesthetic point of view. Kind of like laminate vs. real hard wood. For you, your artificial man made tiles do a function and last.

        A middle ground may be granite. Granite is very hard, and can withstand a lot. They make them in tiles shapes too. And can be polished to its beauty over and over. Also consider resale value of the house. Natural substances add value. They are unique with God given grains and patterns. Yes it will be messy when/if you decide to replace the grey tiles, but it will be worth it.

  8. WheeTwelve

    Ok, I believe that you can provenance the Ohio State golf visor, and the cheapest watch you can get off QVC between two and three in the morning. But a Serbian-issue pullover? You have to back that one up.

    • Disinterested-Observer

      Maybe the author has a picture of him squatting in the street that she just didn’t use for the article #slavs_squatting

    • Panzer

      [Serb accent] “Da, Comrade, my motley crüe collection best collection east of river Sava”

  9. chuck

    Some random points:

    Can we get a WTF? for the Iron Maiden typeface of Axe Men on the cover? WTF! Thank you.

    I worked with a woman who called it The Ohio State University, and lists it as such on her resume and so forth. She is, in many other ways as well, odd.

    This may be the best lead I’ve read this month:
    On the outside, Jack Baruth’s life seems like the ultimate dream of a kid who grew up on Iron Man comic books and too much Grand Theft Auto. The former professional BMX-racing, motorcycle-driving, supercar-testing Baruth has as colorful a background as his diverse guitar collection.

    Nice to see the rosewood McCarty hanging in a prominent spot on the wall.

  10. Tietonian

    “Nicene-creed variant of my personal origin story”

    I believe in one Jack, the writer almighty, maker of…

    Anyone?

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