Ghosted, Buster

A few right-of-center blogs are having a field day with a certain Ms. Aimee Lutkin and her borderline heartbreaking story entitled “When Can I Say I’ll Be Alone Forever?” Ms. Lutkin, a writer for Jezebel, has openly and honestly spoken about her inability to find love or even consistency in a relationship. In the above-linked article, she writes that

It’s your life, and a life that confuses and depresses people… I wanted to cry at that dinner table, because keeping up the farce that I’m still waiting means staying still. It means diminishing the life I do lead, which is a good one. I’ll never be free to say that I’m alone forever, only that I’m in a holding pattern until real life begins.

The alt-right take on her predicament is obvious: a not-terribly-attractive woman “rides the carousel” until the music stops and then she has to face the consequences of her decisions. The feminist take is equally predictable: she’s a strong woman who “used men for sex” and just needs to get back in the habit of dating so she can be fulfilled again. The question of whether or not “casual dating” is fulfilling for a woman as she heads towards her fifties and sixties is never asked, because it’s irrelevant to young feminists and terrifying to old ones.

So far, none of this is terribly interesting. Here’s what is interesting: what she did to try to fix her loneliness problem, and why it failed to work.


The reason we have two photos of Ms. Lutkin, both of which were posted by her online, is so we can get a general idea of who is she and what she looks like. It’s probably safe to say that the everyday reality is somewhere between the deliberately-unattractive shot at the top and the professional portrait that follows, although judging by what else Google Images throws up I think it’s probably closer to the first shot.

This past Monday, a year and ten days after her original story on loneliness, Aimee posted “I Did Everything You Said And I’m Still Alone”.

For the month of January, I did the Whole 30, a diet that demanded I give up sugar, legumes, dairy, grains, fruit, alcohol—anything that tastes even remotely like joy—for 30 days. You can tell me how pointless brief fad diets are, but I fucking did it. I lost ten pounds… I can now fit into pants I’ve been moving from apartment to apartment for the last six years in what I’d thought was a performance art piece about futility.
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I started keeping a bullet journal. I worked more, and made more money. I went to therapy. I moved into my own apartment, in a neighborhood with a lovely park where dogs run around off the leash every morning. I did The Artist’s Way. I went to a Reiki healing session. I meditated. I started performing more. I took pictures of myself in those skinny jeans, and redid all my dating profiles, then signed up for more of them.
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Then, on a chilly night last spring, I made plans to meet with a strange man from the internet with the implicit promise that if he was not totally disgusting, I would go home with him. I had not so much as kissed anyone in over three years.
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Two glasses of wine and we were walking to his place. Another glass of wine in his living room. It was exactly as I remembered.
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He ghosted me.
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There is no way this man could have understood how that felt. I’d finally opened myself up to some form of intimacy, but it was kind of like when you pull on a door handle and the spring is broken, so it slams against the wall.

Well, duh.

When Ms. Lutkin writes that she “did everything you told me to do,” it’s obvious to me that she only asked, or listened to, fellow go-girl feminists. Because everything she did reeks of feminist go-girl advice. Improve your fitness. Make more money. Get an apartment with a view. Be an easy lay. Repeat until satisfaction arrives. I’m reminded of something one of my ex-girlfriend’s gal-pals told her after I left her: “The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.”

If Aimee had asked me, I would have told her the following, in no particular order:

  • Find an interest or hobby that is pursued by both men and women.
  • Try a dating service that matches serious, relationship-oriented people, like eHarmony. (She used Tinder and Bumble.)
  • Consider attending a church if you think you can stand it; if you can’t, try doing something else that is at least remotely spiritual.
  • Evaluate the men you meet during these activities honestly, then date them in a manner that suggests you’re worth a little bit of investment and effort.

I can’t say for sure that my advice would have helped her find a permanent relationship with the man of her dreams, but I can say that it would have been less spiritually and emotionally damaging than starving herself until she was a size 16 instead of an 18 and then hooking up with a stranger.

Oh well. If wishes were fishes, as they say, we would all cast lines. After the excruciating interlude detailed above, Ms. Lutkin decided that she would address the failure of her method by… doing more of the same. She decided to go on two dates every week and to document the process. I can spare you the effort of reading it by giving you the precis: pretty much every date goes wrong except for the last one, which is with a fellow who is only in New York for a month.

That night I got fucked in my filthy apartment. On the day of the eclipse, I got fucked in a public park and in my apartment (properly vacuumed) again. Then again later that week. This date was traveling back and forth to his job in the Hamptons and briefly to his home in California, then back again. I wondered at one point if he was fabricating his constant imminent departure to inject some urgency into our need to have sex again, perhaps immediately, right now? He commented that if we lived in the same city, the frequency of these sexual dates would be borderline rude. You don’t fuck someone all night that you just met three times in a week unless there’s no tomorrow.
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Though I flew to see him in November, though he promised to come visit me in December, it’s been four weeks since I’ve heard from him.
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He ghosted me.

Back to being alone. She does have the consolation of approximately eight hundred thousand clicks generated between the two Jezebel stories. Rarely is anything we do in the auto-journo biz that widely read. I don’t know what they paid her but I hope it was worth it. She ruefully admits on her blog that she is borderline famous now, particularly in New York. The only problem is that she is famous for being

a) alone
b) an easy lay

which is considerably less enjoyable than, say, being famous for winning the Indy 500 or landing an airliner in the Hudson. I hope she’s also at least kinda-sorta famous for being a better-than-average writer, particularly with regards to her personal openness and honesty. I admire her willingness and ability to share so much with her readers.

This can be a tough gig sometimes. You write things that are true and real and vulnerable, at which point some empty shell of an online commentator with no discernible humanity whatsoever proceeds to stomp all over you in the most deliberately hateful manner possible. It makes you want to retreat into becoming a Jonny Lieberman or Wes Siler, veiling your real life behind a ten-foot-thick concrete wall of bravado and false confidence and imaginary accomplishments. Some people, like JD Salinger, simply can’t handle any criticism at all, even if its criticism of their fiction, and they disappear. Aimee Lutkin can’t write like Salinger but she has a much greater ability to honestly face the real world. That’s worth something and if I had any decision-making power anywhere besides this blog I’d try to get her to write for me.

I’m not surprised that her strategy for fixing loneliness didn’t work out. By the end of it, I don’t think she was surprised, either.

I think it was realizing that I want to be seen and known as myself, by someone who understands the value of that self. Though he appears to be a genuinely smart, kind, sensitive person, this date didn’t know much about me that wasn’t expressed solely through physical intimacy. The bravery it takes to tread into that poignant world of bittersweet longing, to be vulnerable about the desires of your heart as well as your body, is not something I have acquired in 12 weeks. I may never have it, or think the risk is worth taking. But naming your want is the first step.

The sad thing is that she has it exactly backwards. Most young women in the generations previous to mine grew up with a complete willingness to fall in love but a strong sense of reluctance regarding physical intimacy. You can make fun of that approach and you can say it’s old-fashioned and you can say that it’s the infamous patriarchy at work but I think it worked out better as a general rule. And Ms. Lutkin knows somewhere in her heart that physical intimacy is almost never a gateway to the emotional intimacy she wants. But she can’t stop trying to solve this problem with her existing toolset of earning more money and being easier to get into bed. To paraphrase an old saying, she’s losing money on every deal but she’s making it up in volume.

If I had to make a guess or a bet, I’d say that she’s probably going to be alone for the rest of her life. The odds are not in her favor. Studies show that women have much more trouble getting married as they age. Some of the decisions she has made in the past, like choosing to live in New York and choosing to espouse an aggressively left-leaning, hardcore-feminist outlook on life, further reduce the likelihood of her finding a permanent partner. I also suspect things would be much easier for her if she were conventionally attractive; she writes a lot about being good-looking but I think her opinion of her own appearance is approximately as misguided as my belief that I can probably beat up most of the men I see on the street. We all have little fibs we like to tell ourselves.

Let’s not close this story feeling too sorry for her, however. One of the commenters on the “Alpha Game Plan” blog offers a dissenting opinion:

Keep in mind, when she went on her dating resolution (two dates a week for three months), she was the gatekeeper.
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She picked the men from the online pool that contacted her – which was undoubtedly larger.
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So, she narrowed it down to the most desirable (to her). She banged two on the first date.
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So, out of roughly 16 men she pre-selected (albeit, they were of the universe of online dating men in her area), she could only find maybe one that she felt was worth a second date. And that guy walked away later (“ghosted her”).
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She wants to settle down. She committed a year to the effort. It’s just 94% of men don’t match her standard and she didn’t meet the standard of the 6% that did.

I suspect the author of that comment had a bit of the incel’s angry sneer when he wrote it, but let’s take a look at the money shot one more time:

She wants to settle down. She committed a year to the effort. It’s just 94% of men don’t match her standard and she didn’t meet the standard of the 6% that did.

That seems very much in line with modern progressive thinking about dating and sex. It also explains why she chose to sleep with both of her “acceptable” dates immediately. She understood, at some level, that she wasn’t going to meet their standards for a long-term relationship, so she played what she felt to be her strongest card. NB that from my middle-aged male perspective the “strongest card” would have been to display a unique, intelligent, and interesting perspective on life, but you’ll never learn that watching “Sex and the City”.

Ninety-four percent of men who liked her didn’t meet her standards. And she didn’t meet the standards of the six percent who were acceptable to her. Gosh, that’s even worse than this 80/20 business I keep going on about. But there’s no harm in it, no sin when measured by the vacuous and entirely situational ethics of today. You shoot for the stars and the worst thing that can happen is that you hit the moon. Or you get “fucked in your dirty apartment” by somebody who “ghosts” on you. It’s all the same, really. Whom does it satisfy, besides the six percent? Does it even matter? In the words of the always-perceptive John C. Mayer:

I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely
Yeah
Cause I don’t belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me

66 Replies to “Ghosted, Buster”

    • Davis

      So true… Unfortunately it took me 2 bad marriages to realize it.
      I’m pretty sure now if there is a next one it’ll be good because I do finally enjoy my own company and don’t need anyone.

      Reply
      • -Nate

        When you’re also comfortable with a Woman who doesn’t need _you_ but invites you along for the ride, things get so much better it’s amazing .

        Some here are close to pathetic with their views on the opposite sex, no wonder they cannot get laid .

        -Nate

        Reply
  1. Tomko

    I’ve been reading Jezebel daily for over two years. Aimée Lutkin is by far my favourite writer there.

    I feel badly for how things seem to be working out for her. But I admire her courage and strength of character.

    Like you, Jack, she too suffers for her art.

    Reply
    • MrGreenMan

      Do you do this as part of an ongoing monitoring project where you provide sanitized summaries to spare the rest of the world the agony?

      I knew a girl who was a big Jezebel reader. She angrily posted one day about how nobody had the right to demand the emotional labor from her of explaining her anger, and that sometimes MALES simply couldn’t understand the female perspective. Then, she bemoaned the fact that she had no friends and couldn’t get a second date. Then, she closed her social media account.

      Reply
  2. John C.

    In a way you have to feel for her. Tradition would had her married at twenty and at her current age looking forward to the emptying nest and the combination of living vicariously through her kid-s young adventuress and the extra luxuries that come with extra disposable income. The idea of any of that is of course deplorable to her. So she is left with trying to live like she was 19 with the body and dating prospects of a 49 year old. Any wonder it doesn’t work

    Reply
  3. Disinterested-Observer

    I have three, modest, wishes in this life:
    1) I’d like to see my kids grow up.
    2) I don’t want to be a burden to my family in my dotage.
    3) I don’t ever want to have to deal with this bullshit.

    Reply
  4. Ryan

    Part of this was originally meant for your post on the 80/20 rule, but it also (sort of) fits here. Excuse me if this runs a little long…

    Your assumption regarding her current situation being rooted in poor life choices is spot on. Not that I am a judge of self-worth, but it seems as though many people (men and woman) have inflated opinions of their worth in the mating market. Perhaps we will see a “correction” of sorts where this group of women will realize that the 20% of men cannot fulfill the long-term wants of the 80% of women and “settle” for a “good guy.” Only time will tell.

    From a man’s perspective, it’s no surprise that she was ghosted. 2017 provides for human interaction with little emotion involved, if that is what one desires. A guy gets an easy lay while he is in town and is free to do whatever the hell he wants the rest of the time. If he so choses, he can simply use the “I’ve been busy/traveling/whatever excuse” and she’ll most likely invite him back to her dirty apartment for another tequila-fueled night followed by a quick exit come sunrise. He holds the power in this relationship.

    I’ve read quite a bit from Geoffery Miller on evolutionary psychology, and his take is that women hold power in short-term relationships, and men hold power in long-term relationships. In short-term relationships, the “cost” to a woman is much higher than a man. The largest risk to a man is chance of an STD at worse, a woman could be saddles with 9-months of pregnancy and nearly two decades of raising a child. It would behoove her, then, to be more selective of who she chooses to sleep with. In contrast, a man gives up the chance at all other partners and therefore “loses” a lot more in a long-term relationship in that there is less of a chance that his lineage will carry on. That is not even taking into consideration “modern” costs such as lost time, money, etc.

    While I cannot speak to online dating, as I seldom use Tinder/Bumble for something other than to “reunite” with women I have some sort of prior relationship with, it seems that this generation is focused upon the instant gratification of a match and little else. It’s easy to not have any emotional attachment when the process looks like this:

    1) Swipe right.
    2) Shoot her a Google Voice number.
    3) Meet for coffee/drink/dinner.
    4) Netflix and chill at her apartment.

    It’s really no mystery why ghosting is a popular “tactic” used by men with more important things to do than have emoji-filled text exchanges with a woman whose flexible job environment exists in an industry where the words “time-sensitive” have no meaning.

    As far as the rest of your dating advice, that’s spot on. I have friends who lament their current dating situation, but do little to put them in a situation that can produce better odds. If you want someone who cares about animals, volunteer at a shelter. Fitness? Join a co-ed league. There’s a reason that the first organization I joined upon returning to school was for PR students…

    I applaud her for being open and honest in her writing, that’s never an easy thing to do. Neil Strauss did this very well when he wrote “The Game.” I read the book back in High School, as did some friends. They saw it as a guide on how to pick up women, but anyone with reading comprehension skills understood that it was a cautionary tale more so than anything else.

    I’d like to believe that the world does not operate the way those on TRP would lead us to believe, but articles like this continue to validate their worldview.

    Reply
    • everybodyhatesscott

      It’s really no mystery why ghosting is a popular “tactic” used by men with more important things to do than have emoji-filled text exchanges with a woman whose flexible job environment exists in an industry where the words “time-sensitive” have no meaning.

      Ghosting is a dick move but I’m pretty sure it’s equally employed by men and women. I’ve been ghosted by multiple women.

      Reply
        • everybodyhatesscott

          I’m at about 50/50 from being ghosted before and after sex. The girls who ghosted after were 5-10 years younger (22-27), the girls who ghosted before were older.

          Reply
    • Rock36

      I wish I had saved the study while I had the chance, because I often find myself wishing I could cite it. At any rate, the study highlighted a situation where a genetic bottleneck was broken (and improved) in a certain culture after the adoption of monogamy. The reasoning in this example was simple. Prior to the monogmaous values, women were monopolized by the select elite of the society. Monogamy provided access to men who otherwise could not pass on their genes. When they could pass their genes on in monogamous relationships gene variation increased.

      Anyway the point is that I am highly skeptical when people, usually evolutionary psychologists, try to paint human nature in too broad a brush. Humans are highly adaptaple obviously, so it follows that humans are capable of employing various and multiple strategies for reproduction suited to unique dynamic envorionmental contexts. Some cultures can benefit from monogamy and others polygamy, long term or short term reproductive strategies are always available in the human condition, and one prevails over the other when conditions warrant. One sized fits all interpretations of human nature would, in my mind constrain our adaptability.

      Reply
      • Robert

        “Some cultures can benefit from monogamy and others polygamy”

        Polygamy tends to work well in cultures with higher mortality rates for men, like traditional Inuit where men tend to die at a much younger age than their spouses.

        Reply
  5. Thomas KreutzerThomas Kreutzer

    This can be a tough gig sometimes. You write things that are true and real and vulnerable, at which point some empty shell of an online commentator with no discernible humanity whatsoever proceeds to stomp all over you in the most deliberately hateful manner possible. It makes you want to retreat into becoming a Jonny Lieberman or Wes Siler, veiling your real life behind a ten-foot-thick concrete wall of bravado and false confidence and imaginary accomplishments

    If anyone is interested on what it is like to write on the internet, this is the gospel truth right here. You have to write the true, the real and the vulnerable. You have to share your inner doubts and those painful parts of your past and you have to constantly reflect upon your own shortcomings. If you don’t, your words ring hollow and people recognize that you aren’t really writing from the heart.

    I can tell you from my own experience that it’s really tough and I am that surprised to see these words coming from Jack, who I’ve always regarded with awe as some sort of an iron man for being able to do exactly this so well, so often without being spiritually crushed.

    The good people of the internet should remember that positive comments, just a few words even, carry a great weight and it’s just as important to chime into a discussion when you like what is being said as it is to jump in when the opposite is the case. I feel bad for this woman and I hope she finds her way to what it is she wants. It must be difficult to keep putting herself out there and it takes a lot of courage to do it in public.

    Reply
    • David Florida

      Thomas, at 52 I’m the father of two wonderful kids, a six year old son and a four year old daughter. Reading Jack’s pieces on life outside of politics, wheels and work give me hope that I can learn something new in time to be helpful, if you know what I mean…

      Your contributions to this site have been my introduction to your writing, and I wish I’d known about it sooner.

      Reply
    • DougD

      +1, always enjoy your thoughtful comments Thomas, whatever the venue.

      Interdependence is where it’s at. I’m so glad to have had a bad relationship in my younger years, which made me realize what I needed was someone I could work with. Because building a life together is all about working together, not meeting standards. 21 years in Feb!

      Reply
    • Jack BaruthJack Baruth Post author

      To be honest, I get tired of people saying they wish my kid was dead.

      I get tired of people gloating over the fact that my wife has had a dozen surgeries to correct the damage done in the crash.

      What I tell myself is that some day I’ll find out I have colon cancer and on that day I’ll pick five lucky people from the list of above critics, dox them, and remove all the skin from their face with a dull Swiss Army knife.

      Kidding, of course, I could never hurt anyone.

      Reply
      • -Nate

        They’re miserable jerks who are too lazy to make any effort to better themselves and are envious of all you have jack .

        -Nate

        Reply
      • David Florida

        It shouldn’t be much longer before The Big C becomes just another manageable lifestyle disease, given certain circumstances. So, I’m guessing you’ll be too busy with Chemo/Keto to worry about sociopaths who lose their decency in anonymity… to say nothing of making certain that the aforementioned kid & wife are lacking nothing that you can give. I’ve seen it happen that way to guys who I respect and would emulate. You probably have as well.

        Reply
      • Opaddington

        This woman is the type of person who would derive great schadenfreude from misfortune falling upon anyone who would dare criticize her life choices. As a result of this blog post that includes you, Jack. She’d respond with two thumbs up to anyone wishing for you to be run over by a combine. She’s not worthy of your empathy.

        Reply
      • Shawn

        Comment sections usually turn into the trailer park of the internet.

        Sometimes people have a point, and it’s hard to accept that. But the majority of the time, it’s just a miserable human trying to drag others down with them.

        I’m sure that can be hard to simply ignore, when you’re putting much of your personal life accessible to complete strangers.

        Reply
  6. Rock36

    I can only hope we are seeing some kind of Hegelian dialectic at work in dating, relationships, and maybe even society. The patriarchal thesis, the feminist antithesis, and someday, hopefully, a synthesis that distills the best parts of both.

    Hope is never a method, but I suppose at least it can provide a little bit of motivation.

    This story is a great follow up to the 80/20 story. Unfortunately, the Pareto’s principle and power laws that underpin the 80/20 rule is seemingly pervasive across many domains and aspects of the world we interface with, relationships and romantic partners included.

    Reply
  7. stingray65

    Feminism was about tearing down traditional female roles and their relationships with men that have formed and perpetuated the human race for thousands of years. As a consequence, western women can have any career they desire, including many they aren’t suited for physically or mentally, they can have cheap sex with as many partners as they want, they can have as few or many children as they want without being in any long-term relationship with a man. In short, women have more options and choices than any women in human history, but are they happy? Virtually all the psychology studies on the topic, as well as anecdotal evidence as exemplified above, say western women are the least happy in recorded history. Feminism is the classic example of being careful what you wish for.

    Reply
        • Opaddington

          Gender differences are nonsense, bro. I rolled out of bed this morning and gave my nuts a solid scratch as I was walking to the bathroom. Started brushing my teeth and then suddenly realized, BLAMMMO, I’m a woman! It’s scientific and don’t question it, a-hole!

          I can’t wait to shower in the women’s locker room at my gym later today. I’ll patiently wait for the hot cycling instructor to come in and unleash her exquisite tits and then, BOING!, I’m a dude again! God I love science.

          Reply
      • ComfortablyNumb

        Not necessarily, as long as he’s not using too broad a brush. The feminist movement encouraged women to pursue traditionally “male” jobs, which in and of itself is definitely a good thing. But the message wasn’t “do what you’re good at, regardless of who traditionally does it”, it was “you’re just as good as any man, so go do what they do”. I knew a few girls in college who were in engineering for the wrong reason. Choosing a “man’s profession” was key to success, they were told. Some switched majors when they learned that they weren’t cut out for it, and now they’re successful and happy in a career that fits them.

        Mind you, I knew a lot of guys who switched majors for the same reason. They came from a family of doctors or engineers, so they were told that that is what they were cut out for. In both cases, they were fed a false narrative about equality and personal abilities, and lost a few years of their youth pursuing somebody else’s agenda.

        Reply
        • stingray65

          A slight correction to your statement: The feminist movement has evolved to encourage women to pursue “male” jobs that are high in status and/or pay. Why the big push to allow women in military combat units? It isn’t because there are boatloads of beefcake women with a desire to get shot at and live in foxholes, its because reaching the top ranks of power in the military typically requires combat unit experience. All you hear about is how few women have cracked the “glass ceiling” to the top executive ranks, but there aren’t many calls to increase the percentage of women in trash collection or sewer maintenance (99+% male). Too few women in STEM? It can’t be because women on average are not as good in visual-spatial abilities as men, or that women tend to prefer jobs involving work with people rather than things, it has to be evil patriarchy keeping women out of the high paying tech jobs in Silicon Valley. Obviously we need to put more feminine values into tech – not have it be so mathy and objective, it needs to be more intuitive – that bridge is strong enough because if just “feels” right. And if those changes still don’t work, then we need quotas to make sure women get their fair share of status and wealth – lets force all public companies to have 40+% female membership of their board of directors (the law in Norway). And of course, as a woman moves up the ladder due to her own efforts and/or “help” from various legislation, set-asides, and special female promotion programs, she still wants to mate with a man that has even more status and pay than she has, which of course becomes increasingly more difficult the farther up the chain she goes. Thus the end result of the feminist movement is a whole bunch of unhappy women wondering where all the good men are.

          Reply
      • everybodyhatesscott

        I don’t want the firefighter who comes to my house if it’s ever burning down while I’m sleeping to be female. I’m Jacks size. A woman isn’t going to be able to pull me out of a burning building.

        My 20 year old cousin is training to be a firefighter. She’s about 5’3″ and 110-120lbs. She holds the women’s bench press record at her high school at 135 lbs. I warm up with 135 lbs.

        Reply
        • Opaddington

          The patriarchy must be smashed. If that means you burn to death because a female firefighter can’t meet traditional strength standards (that were created by effing evil white males), so be it. The cause is more important than your life. In fact, you’re demise would be a plus. One less man on the planet. Girl power!

          Reply
        • stingray65

          Firefighters, police, military – they all have physical requirements that are supposed to be the same for everyone. Then some gender studies major working at the Diversity Compliance office, which is given the assignment of creating a workforce that mirrors the general population, finds that only 10% or 5% or 1% of women can meet those physical requirements, which of course means the requirements are sexist and meant to keep women down. Next thing you know those requirements get watered down because diversity is our strength.

          Reply
      • Yamahog

        The plural of anecdote isn’t data, but I was chatting with a woman who works at the humane society. She thought that she was going to help animals, but she mostly just restrains them while a vet euthanizes them.

        I think that would be a hard job for most people who are sensitive to suffering but the job gets harder as the sensitivity increases. She mentioned that she wants to quit her job and that she’s been in it longer than anyone else has (6 months).

        Now, maybe that shelter could do a better job of rotating people through job responsibilities but these jobs are probably more challenging to more women than men.

        Not every job is like that, but the vast majority of the well-compensated jobs are well-compensated because the nature of the job is relatively undesirable. How many software engineers would handle last-minute change requests from incompetent businesspeople on their own time? How many people chose to become tax lawyers because they find the work enjoyable and they’d do it for fun so selecting is as a career is a way to bridge their hobby and livelihood?

        The point is that no one is really well suited for these jobs. I’m not even well-suited for my job, and outside of some serious autists (who aren’t well suited for other reasons), most of the normies in my position more or less need stimulants to have better than even odds of doing their job correctly for 8-10 hours/day.

        You’re right that it’s uncouth to single out women, but the reality of highly compensated work is that it’s highly compensated because it’s undesirable and it’s tough to be good at it.

        Reply
        • everybodyhatesscott

          She thought that she was going to help animals, but she mostly just restrains them while a vet euthanizes them.

          This is a serious problem among veterinarians. They go into it because they love animals and they kill a lot of animals.

          Reply
          • Ronnie Schreiber

            Maybe that’s because the profession is about 80% female now. My late father was a veterinarian and unless it was the pet of someone he was close to, he was pretty matter of fact about putting an animal down. Interestingly, he only euthanized one of our pets, a poodle with seizures. The rest of our dogs lived out their natural lives. When they started having issues of old age they moved into permanent residence at his vet hospital, where we’d visit and play with them and my dad had a healthy animal on site to be a blood donor if needed. As a matter of fact, one of our dogs, Danny, a keeshound out of a breeder’s kennel that my dad treated, became our pet because he had hip dysplasia. The kennel owners were going to have him put down since they couldn’t breed him but my dad said he’d take him. He never even bothered to neuter Danny.

  8. hank chinaski

    “her mommy called her beautiful, her daddy said ‘a whore’. ”

    This ended as it was expected to. Her lizard brain and eons of evolution told her ‘you have lady parts, ergo you are valuable’ (and this is true, eggs being valuable and sperm cheap). She was daddy’s ‘princess’ and feminism made her ’empowered and fierce’, and the internet gave her a firehose of validation from hundreds of thirsty betas from which to drink. In another life she’d be married to a NYFD fireman or a respectable steamfitter with kids. She may have been a solid ‘6’ at 20yo and 30# ago.

    I’ll go out on a limb and guess that the swipe right/lay rate is a lot lower than 6% for most men. Men are rational for the most part. Once, being a solid provider was enough to lock in a woman. Now it’s clownshoes and a wide, electronic net. Hey, whatever works to get it wet. Imagine being a pioneer in the Old West.

    Two other guesses: daddy is paying for that filthy NYC apartment and the guy from Cali is married.

    A younger version of me is sneering just a little.

    The chaser: as a male breadwinner in a respectable tax bracket, I (and by extension my clones) will pay to care for this generation of spinsters into their dotage well after I’m dead.

    If I were a motivated troll I’d organize a shipment of fish and bicycles to Jezebel HQ.

    Reply
    • everybodyhatesscott

      She may have been a solid ‘6’ at 20yo and 30# ago.

      I don’t generally comment on pieces to shit about the writers. It’s rude.

      But a little self reflection would do this woman a ton of good.

      She’s not conventionally attractive but there is nothing wrong with her. She has a nice enough face. If she was slim, she wouldn’t be a looker but she’d be pretty enough for any normal guy to not be ashamed to be seen with her.

      When Ms. Lutkin writes that she “did everything you told me to do,” it’s obvious to me that she only asked, or listened to, fellow go-girl feminists.

      While I have some sympathy for the woman I have a tough time mustering up too much sympathy for people who do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. If you check her twitter she mentions “You have no idea how many men have messaged me advice” completely dismissing them out of hand. Hey lady, how is the advice from women working out for you? I used to take all the conventional advice and none of it worked for me. I stumbled across heartiste 10 8-9 years ago after an ugly breakup and thought “This can’t possibly work but what do I have to lose? I’m not exactly successful right now” And… it worked.

      Most of my guy friends struggling with women would kill for 2 dates a week. If online dating, most would be rejected by 90-100 women (swipe lefts or no responses) to get those 2 dates.

      Reply
  9. hank chinaski

    If you haven’t made it that corner if the internet, ‘The Rational Male’ has many well written pieces on these subjects, and as accurate though not as amusingly crass as CH, and without the ethno-politics.

    Reply
    • Ronnie Schreiber

      I don’t quite understand why Jew haters and other assorted racists hang out at CH and other similar sites. I don’t know if irony is a strong enough word but the Jews that the online haters seem to fear most, either the Frankfort School enthusiasts or guys like Zuckerberg, are hardly Jewish in their outlook, beliefs, and practices. Well, like the rabbi in Moscow said to Leon Trotsky nee Lev Bronstein, “The Trotsky’s make the revolutions, the Bronsteins pay for them.”
      Jews get blamed for being capitalist exploiters and communist inciters. Like Aesop said, any excuse will serve a tyrant.

      Reply
  10. Fred Lee

    I agree with your assessment completely.

    Want to meet a nice guy? Get off the Tinders and the Bumbles. Buy a road bike and learn to enjoy it. She’ll get fit and lose weight without fad-dieting. Join a cycling club. Most recreational group rides are probably an 80/20 male/female split. So it’s not “weird” and she won’t be the only chick, but once she starts looking good in spandex she’ll do well.

    The problem with the swipe-right to get laid apps is that you are spoiled for choice. I never dated pre-Tinder until the last couple years, but it is way too easy to get jaded. You can’t trust anyone that you meet… She’s probably right that her traveling fuck-buddy was lying to her; everyone on tinder does. “I’m meeting some friends for drinks at 8:30” means I’ve got another date lined up. “I’m headed out of town this weekend” means that he/she is getting serious with someone. The apps are addictive for sure; if you’re an insecure person (as this gal appears to be), there’s no quicker way to feel good about yourself than to see how many people like your glamour shots. And there’s no quicker way to feel bad about yourself than to have a meaningless fuck with a few of them, and then find yourself back on Tinder wondering if the next gal will do that thing in bed that this one didn’t.

    It’s like wandering down the aisles of Walmart, trying to decide whether to go with Nutty Buddies, Hostess Cupcakes, or Little Debbie Snack Cakes. In the end you throw them all in the cart, gorge yourself, and then hate yourself in the morning. Or so I’m told.

    The only way to fix yourself is to stop completely. Correct your unrealistic view of yourself. You’re not as attractive as you hope and you’re not as loathsome as you fear. And if you find someone who isn’t currently on the Tinder treadmill they just might recognize that you’re a good person that’s worth investing in.

    So basically what I’m saying is, get a bike and ride it lots.

    Reply
    • Jack BaruthJack Baruth Post author

      She could also start racing a car, although that requires exponentially more effort and money.

      If Danger Girl divorced me tomorrow, there would be thirty doctors and attorneys from our race series texting her immediately. Even nowadays she often hears “Are you still racing with Jack?”

      Reply
    • stingray65

      Some research in psychology and sociology suggests this is an area with a very interesting difference between men and women. Men will be all over a woman that shows genuine interest in a male dominated sport or hobby, and she will usually get plenty of positive attention as a potential date, mate, or “daughter” figure. On the other hand, if a man shows interest in a female dominated activity (e.g. homecrafts, fashion, cooking, etc.), most women will not see them as a very good catch because such men are perceived as too soft, weak, and feminine, so the best a heterosexual male can expect is a potential “mother” figure. The fact that some famous male chefs have recently been outed as serial sexual harassers, might be due to overcompensating for their “feminine” interest.

      Reply
      • 98horn

        Chefs are traditionally men. Cooking in a restaurant is not the same as cooking at home. Think more “Cell block N” and less “Good Housekeeping.”

        Reply
    • Danio

      This. I participate in a large variety of different motoring activities from drag racing, road racing, TSD rallies, car shows, and off road activities like overlanding. They are always at least 80 percent attended by men. Some of the activities lend themselves to group participation and adventure, which even a Starbucks and IKEA Basic Bitch can appreciate.

      A while back I went on a work trip with a colleague who is an attractive woman in her early 30s, ready to settle down. Listening to her, she sounds a lot like the woman in the OP. A victim of being perpetually used and ghosted, but only taking the same steps in finding fulfillment. She asked if I knew where to find good men, “like you”. I’m not in the referral business, but I suggested that she take her 2017 Mustang 2.3T with the Performance Package out to some local Mustang meets, proposing that at least she would have the pick of a diverse crowd of men with at least some income, a hobby and a common interest with her. Shooting fish in a barrel.

      Reply
  11. 98horn

    I admire her honesty, as well. It can’t be easy to hold yourself out to public display as a disaster. She has a self image as “good looking” and could be, with effort. And here is the rub: being attractive takes effort. Shedding that 20 pounds, working out regularly, doing your hair, spending money on nice clothes, being pleasant, funny, and engaging…all takes consistent effort. Feminism is a low effort ideology wherein the practitioners can gain weight, dress like hobos, stop shaving those pits, and just blame the men for all their problems and shortcomings rather than doing the hard work of working on the self. And, to a quality man, low effort doesn’t meet standards, because it means that it will translate to low effort partnership and motherhood. There is no reason to have a filthy apartment, and any man who wouldn’t walk away from such a place is either 1) a giant slob himself or 2) desperate. There are plenty of women out there more than willing to provide effort and value in relationships, and plenty of men who do well enough with women to not have to settle for a misandrist slob who happens to be easy. Where are the good men at? Everywhere, they can just see you coming.

    Reply
    • Danio

      “I admire her honesty, as well. It can’t be easy to hold yourself out to public display as a disaster.”

      It seems to be that the motive is to be a martyr, though.

      Reply
  12. Yamahog

    Glad to see this here.

    My last 4 partners are probably all like her but younger – all of them had a graduate degrees, worked lower middle class jobs, and held strong views on feminism. And to the surprise of no one, they were all very liberal. And for these people, feminism and liberalism functioned as their ideologies. However, the point of ideologies is to help you answer the hard questions, not the easy ones. Feminism and liberalism totally fail to give people decisive and final answers on tough questions – questions like “does death have meaning” or “can this person be redeemed”. It’s not critical that you’re able to answer those questions to make decisions like “should we teach little girls how to read” or “what should I eat for breakfast” or “how woke is the new Star Wars” but they’re critical for orienting yourself to the world and figuring out a way to relate to people and what to make of your life.

    These people with these failed ideologies can only make easy decisions and easy sacrifices and they usually wind up stuck on some local maximum of happiness. They look at the choices immediately in front of them and know that any deviation from the path they’re on is probably going to cost them (e.g it sucks to put yourself out there and it sucks to remain lonely). But they can’t answer the hard questions and orient themselves to greater maximums (e.g you have to get out there to meet someone you enjoy and who enjoys you) because higher goals require deeper sacrifices. And we need ideologies to help us figure out how good and bad something can be and how decisions move us towards Good or Bad.

    People often summarize Jesus’ teachings as “love thy neighbor as thyself” but like most memes that’s incomplete. The greatest commandment is relayed as “love God with all thy heart, all thy mind, and all thy soul” and then “love thy neighbor as thyself”.

    The primary point seems to be that love for God must be total, complete, and all-encompassing. Remember this is the Judeo-Christian God who’s omnipotent omnipresent, omniscient, omnibenevolent, probably benchpresses two plates, and is a member of the 1000 lb club. God is understood to be the greatest possible Good and everything good is a manifestation of God. What Jesus asks people to do is align themselves to the greatest possible Good as completely as they can. You’re supposed to align your logic, aesthetics, and ethics to the best thing you can imagine – the totality of truth, beauty, and goodness with all the faith, hope, and love with which you’ve been endowed.

    This woman is shackled to a belief system that teaches her answers, not questions. She’s suffering because she thinks she’s doing the right things and her sacrifices aren’t rewarded. But is she really sacrificing? Going to the gym is a sacrifice only in a world where it’s weighed against eating nachos. Doing a job you don’t want to do for the money to start a family is somewhat more of a sacrifice, speaking the truth, beautifying your life, and granting mercy can be sacrifices. The world is telling her one thing, her ideology is telling her the world is wrong. She’s ready to figure out a better mode of being and I wish her and everyone else on the journey the best of luck.

    Reply
  13. Jeff Zekas

    Actually, Jack, this whole discussion reminds me of Stefan Molyneux and his discussions of sexual value. As others have mentioned, when a woman is 49, she no longer is seen by men as having the value of a twenty-nine year old. A lady I went to high school with waited until she was forty, before saying, “I’ve got to get married! I’ve got to have kids!”. Needless to say, that boat had sailed. She was a nice person, creative, smart, hard working. But she spent her twenties and thirties sleeping around, never looking for a nice guy, one she could settle down with. Now she is 63 and yes, has multiple cats, in a tiny low rent apartment. I feel sorry for her, but then, remind myself: it’s all about choices.

    Reply
  14. Kevin Jaeger

    It’s tempting to feel a little schadenfreude as we watch a feminist age alone, inevitably settling in to a lonely life with cats. But this is a potentially serious social problem that needs to be solved.

    To survive and prosper we need young, healthy, intelligent women getting married and raising kids. Individually, perhaps this woman is getting her just desserts for her life choices. But if there are enough women like this a great many others are also harmed. For each of these lonely women there is also a lonely man – probably a middle aged manual laborer in a smaller city that this woman would never agree to date.

    If the recent life expectancy numbers are to be believed this middle aged man is suffering loneliness, depression and drug abuse, possibly ending in suicide. That’s not a much better ending than a lonely feminist aging with her cats. Somehow this issue needs to be resolved.

    Reply
    • CJinSD

      It’s also pretty bad when things work out for feminists. I dated a plugged in lefty for a couple of years in my early forties. She had a circle of gal pals, many of whom heard the train coming just in time and stepped off the tracks. They married the best providers that didn’t know how to find desirable 25 year olds and proceeded to procreate. Listening to them discussing their special needs children at every gathering was depressing. Forty year old eggs aren’t the freshest.

      Maybe I’m not the nicest person, but I’m also not subject to internet versions of peer pressure. Do I have sympathy for this open book writer? Meh. When she isn’t listening to bad advice, she’s part of a website that spreads it every day. Jezebel is as healthy for its target audience as The Root is for its. She’s as sympathetic as a heroine pusher who overdoses. Do I wish her harm? Why bother? She’s her own worst enemy. Do I think she’s more sympathetic than the people who merely believe Jezebel’s lies instead of writing them?

      Reply
  15. PaulyG

    I just like to say wow! What a bunch of thoughtful and intelligent comments. This site has really become a special corner of the internet.

    Reply
  16. Ronnie Schreiber

    I’m old, divorced, and by the standards of suburban Jewish women of an appropriate age, I’m poor so I don’t expect to find another long term female companion. I’m surprised that some of the women’s ads on JDate don’t just come out and ask for a Dun & Bradstreet rating, or at least a FICO score. I’m glad she likes to travel but that’s just a signal flag telling me that I can’t afford her. I’ve accepted the fact that as I enter old age and decrepitude I’ll likely spend my declining years alone. Looking on the bright side, my dad was only 5 years older than I am now when he died.

    True story. I was cleaning out about two years of old text messages on my phone and I came across a thread with an age appropriate single woman whose ad on Craigslist I’d answered. I remembered, we even spoke on the phone, but she was drunk and only leading me on. Before deleting the msgs I texted her “Hey.”

    “Who is this?”

    “Ronnie, we talked a while back.”

    Some back and forth and then:

    “Remind me. What do you look like?”

    “5’6 180 red hair, trimmed beard”

    “5’6″? That’s probably why we never met. I’m attracted to taller men.”

    “How much do you weigh?”

    “That’s not relevant. I’m height and weight proportionate.”

    “And they say that men are shallow and only concerned with looks. BTW, my ex is 5’11” and all the important parts fit just fine.”

    Reply
    • CJinSD

      I’ve never done any computer dating, although I once used a friend’s phone that had Tinder to get some food and drinks delivered. I’m not sure I’m buying that Tinder is a direct reflection of dating as a whole. In the late ’90s I had a female friend who graduated from UVA and was recruited by Ford Credit in Maryland. One day we were talking on the phone about a couple from California that propositioned another friend and I while we were sailing around the Bahamas. The relevant phrase was ‘air tight,’ and neither my sailing friend nor I was interested in any three on one action. My friend I was talking to on the phone responded by saying she had a female friend at work who was in the process of arranging just such a plural encounter. I asked her what her friend looked like, considering that three guys could be persuaded to be in her together.

      She told me that I wouldn’t be interested in her friend, something that was brought home to me when I met her and I’m not sure that I could ever have stood far enough away to see all of her at once. She was gigantic. Tinder was in the future, but there were party phone lines in metropolitan areas like Baltimore and, apparently, Ellicott City. One day she was at my friend’s place while the two of us were flirting with each other in the manner we generally did. The morbidly obese coworker became more and more sullen and depressed until she got to the point where she decided it was time to swing.

      She called a party line. Then she talked to some of the incredibly hard up guys until she got to the point of describing herself and interrogating them about their physical characteristics. She said she was a Rubenesque brunette, which I suppose should have been warning enough. I’m not convinced, because no imagination could conjure a vision of this deflating beech ball of a woman. Next she started asking the guys pointed questions about physical characteristics. To get invited to a rendezvous I’d have paid any price to avoid, the party line guys had to describe themselves as Aryan fitness models. My friend and I were making faces at each other in shock, as it was always pretty clear that the girl on the phone would have dragged her 400 lb carapace across a parking lot of broken glass by her eyelids to lick the back of my knee if I’d expressed any interest in her. On the phone line of horny losers? I’d have answered at least five of her questions incorrectly. Some guy didn’t, and off she went to her liaison, leaving my friend and I with much to talk about but little interest in having sex at that particular moment.

      No thinking man chooses a mate from a lineup of amateur prostitutes, whether they be in a singles fern bar, in a phone chat-room, or on Tinder. I wouldn’t be too worried about the guys who aren’t getting swiped right by Netflix and chill girls. I would be worried if they’re actually looking for relationships on apps and that’s the only place they look for companionship because they’re cowed by fears of sexual harassment accusations or are just plain old cowards.

      Reply
  17. Danio

    She must be deliberately obtuse. The purpose of Tinder and Bumble are not to find a partner for life. Perhaps some women believe they can get their succubus claws in deep enough once they snag someone, but that ain’t her. Observing my single male friends using these apps, the sole purpose they use it is to be able to “ghost” women. That’s the promise of these apps. It enables them to do it with great efficiency.

    Reply
  18. -Nate

    Yesterday I stopped in at my favorite local self service junkyard to see if any new units I could use parts from and there was an old guy like me, working on some bog European sedan, maybe a BMW Series 7, his _wife_ on the other side up to her elbows in the job at hand, she had one tool kit, he had another .

    I had to stop and shake his hand, ask him if he understood how lucky he was . he said ‘ she _LIKES_ to come and work on the cars !’ she smiled at me and said’ happy new years .

    I’m still not 100 % clear on what ‘ghosting’ is ? is it crying because some Woman or man said ‘you’re not getting this’ after a date or what ? .

    Pardon my ignorance, being obtuse or plain old stupidity but I’ve read every comment and still not quite sure what it means .

    -Nate

    Reply
  19. -Nate

    So then in a nut shell ;

    You went on some random website, got laid and now you’re complaining ? .

    That’s what it sounds like to me .

    -Nate

    Reply

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