I don’t know how you celebrated Valentine’s Day. But this is how I celebrated it.
Truth be told, my forays into online dating, which occurred a while ago, were completely disappointing. Everything you’ve heard about it is true. The women are all fifty pounds heavier than they claim to be. A profile picture with a closed-mouth smile means they have the teeth of a homeless British man. The level of padding in modern bras has basically made them equivalent to Threat Level IV Kevlar vests. If I’d concluded any of my dates by pulling out a HK P7M8 pistol and emptying the magazine into the woman’s chest — a thought that occurred to me at least three separate occasions — they’d have survived, I guarantee it.
But let’s not be shallow. The real problem with online dating is worse than any of that, and it’s that the majority of people in central Ohio aren’t worth meeting. Not because they’re ugly or chunky — I mean, I’m ugly and chunky and I consider myself quite the catch — but because they’re fundamentally boring people. I’d have taken a flier on some of these people if they’d had anything interesting to say whatsoever.
I met one really great person during my time on OKCupid. “Oh, I know who you are,” she replied to my initial contact, “I read you.” She was such a great person I ended up asking her to write for TTAC instead of asking her to sleep with me. I figured the readers needed her more than I did. I’m selfless like that. But that one great person didn’t make up for:
- the head case who screamed and crawled on the floor like an animal when she thought she’d dropped her wallet in the coffee shop
- the woman who called herself a “burlesque dancer”. Apparently, a burlesque dancer is a stripper who doesn’t make any money because she weighs as much as I do.
- the woman who wanted desperately to sleep with me but was equally passionate about insisting that her husband watch us
- the woman who wanted desperately to sleep with me but whose husband strenuously objected to the idea
- the two, count them, two women who punished me for deferring a first-date invitation to their apartments by canceling the next date. Turns out it never pays to be a nice guy.
- the assortment of painfully boring foodies, “polys”, Goths, attention whores, borderline personalities, Wiccans, and other completely uninteresting individuals whose ability to converse online verged on the developmentally handicapped
Truth be told, I never had any expectations for online dating. I primarily did it just in case the perfect girl was out there waiting for me. I also tried to be sensible about the people I contacted and what I wrote to them. Given the results, I’d have done better by taking a screenshot of my bank balance (preferably before paying Amex for the previous month’s travel) and sending it to every 24-year-old hardbody in Columbus. Who knows, I might have had the chance to disappoint some really attractive women.
It’s been months since I bothered to log into OKC but today I logged in for one purpose: to delete my membership. It was a painless and well-managed process. Easily the best experience I’ve had with the site. Totally satisfied. From now on I’ll do my dating in person. Well, truth be told I’m off for the market for that, too. But that’s a different story. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. I hope each one of you has the chance to be loved by someone who is a far better person than you are. But if you can’t manage that, I hope you hook up with a solid 7/10 or better, age-adjusted, with a solid rack and a willingness to try new things, okay?