Happy Valentines Day


I don’t know how you celebrated Valentine’s Day. But this is how I celebrated it.

Truth be told, my forays into online dating, which occurred a while ago, were completely disappointing. Everything you’ve heard about it is true. The women are all fifty pounds heavier than they claim to be. A profile picture with a closed-mouth smile means they have the teeth of a homeless British man. The level of padding in modern bras has basically made them equivalent to Threat Level IV Kevlar vests. If I’d concluded any of my dates by pulling out a HK P7M8 pistol and emptying the magazine into the woman’s chest — a thought that occurred to me at least three separate occasions — they’d have survived, I guarantee it.

But let’s not be shallow. The real problem with online dating is worse than any of that, and it’s that the majority of people in central Ohio aren’t worth meeting. Not because they’re ugly or chunky — I mean, I’m ugly and chunky and I consider myself quite the catch — but because they’re fundamentally boring people. I’d have taken a flier on some of these people if they’d had anything interesting to say whatsoever.

I met one really great person during my time on OKCupid. “Oh, I know who you are,” she replied to my initial contact, “I read you.” She was such a great person I ended up asking her to write for TTAC instead of asking her to sleep with me. I figured the readers needed her more than I did. I’m selfless like that. But that one great person didn’t make up for:

  • the head case who screamed and crawled on the floor like an animal when she thought she’d dropped her wallet in the coffee shop
  • the woman who called herself a “burlesque dancer”. Apparently, a burlesque dancer is a stripper who doesn’t make any money because she weighs as much as I do.
  • the woman who wanted desperately to sleep with me but was equally passionate about insisting that her husband watch us
  • the woman who wanted desperately to sleep with me but whose husband strenuously objected to the idea
  • the two, count them, two women who punished me for deferring a first-date invitation to their apartments by canceling the next date. Turns out it never pays to be a nice guy.
  • the assortment of painfully boring foodies, “polys”, Goths, attention whores, borderline personalities, Wiccans, and other completely uninteresting individuals whose ability to converse online verged on the developmentally handicapped

Truth be told, I never had any expectations for online dating. I primarily did it just in case the perfect girl was out there waiting for me. I also tried to be sensible about the people I contacted and what I wrote to them. Given the results, I’d have done better by taking a screenshot of my bank balance (preferably before paying Amex for the previous month’s travel) and sending it to every 24-year-old hardbody in Columbus. Who knows, I might have had the chance to disappoint some really attractive women.

It’s been months since I bothered to log into OKC but today I logged in for one purpose: to delete my membership. It was a painless and well-managed process. Easily the best experience I’ve had with the site. Totally satisfied. From now on I’ll do my dating in person. Well, truth be told I’m off for the market for that, too. But that’s a different story. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. I hope each one of you has the chance to be loved by someone who is a far better person than you are. But if you can’t manage that, I hope you hook up with a solid 7/10 or better, age-adjusted, with a solid rack and a willingness to try new things, okay?

14 Replies to “Happy Valentines Day”

  1. Avatar-Nate

    Funny ! .

    I tried it too , in my mid 30’s and actually met some really nice Ladies , a couple of whom I’m still friends with .

    Oddly , my current lady whom I hope never realizes what a dud I am , I met her in Jury Duty of all places ~ she was sitting in front of me .

    Life’s strange that way jack , glad you seem to have a nice one now .


  2. AvatarPower6

    I met my lots of interesting ladies dating on the Internet, met my wife there. They didn’t have OK Cupid then I used Yahoo and Match. I think my buddy meets all kinds of nice ladies on OK Cupid, we are in the Boston area though.

    I was always very quick to take it offline, don’t dally around with emails, go for coffee first, about half the time they were crazy or boring but you only have a coffee invested and you are outta there if that is the case.

    Worked great for me, I was social enough to bring the ladies home off the ‘net, but not good enough to pick them up in the first place out at bars and clubs with friends so it was tons of fun for me.

    You seem to meet enough ladies in your travels arleady…

  3. AvatarRonnie Schreiber

    I hope each one of you has the chance to be loved by someone who is a far better person than you are.

    I did. She got tired of living with a perpetual adolescent.

    Given the results, I’d have done better by taking a screenshot of my bank balance (preferably before paying Amex for the previous month’s travel) and sending it to every 24-year-old hardbody in Columbus

    Valentine’s Day is apparently a big day for the live porncam biz. The models who make the most money are the ones who have figured out how to get the marks/johns/customers to think they’re really interacting with them. They even do dinner dates:

    Granted, most people visiting cam sites are not there for the repartee. But non-sexual interactions often bring models the biggest bucks. Natalie Star says it’s not uncommon for devoted customers to book dinner dates with camgirls on V-Day.

    That’s exactly what it sounds like: Two people, often sitting by candlelight, conversing over dinner. It’s like any other Valentine’s Day date, except for that whole gazing-into-her-eyes-through-a-browser thing. And then there’s the fact you’re paying upward of 20 bucks a minute. But the savviest models know how to pull this off, and earn thousands of dollars doing it.

    $1200/hr and no sex? That sounds more like marriage & divorce than a girl friend experience.

  4. Avatarjz78817

    I hope you don’t think boring people and “head cases” are only found in Ohio. LA and NYC have millions of boring headcases (i.e. ordinary people,) we just don’t think about them because we’re too busy fawning over the “interesting” people.

    And the “interesting people” don’t have time for anyone like you or me.

  5. AvatarLuke

    Love it, Jack.

    I wrote several 100 word stories about my experiences dating in the middle part of the last decade, many of which were arranged through Match.com. It was highly cathartic. Aside from one really, really interesting, really, really beautiful, and really, really crazy woman (that I still think about 10+ years on), I realized that what most of “them” were looking for was not what I was looking for.

    Still, great memories. And much gratitude for the love, stability, and partnership I found with my wife.

  6. AvatarKevin Jaeger

    Not exactly related to this post, but then not really unrelated either, I think you could share with us the deep philosophic meaning behind all the attention heaped upon Lebanese skier Jackie Chamoun.

  7. AvatarRobert N. Harris

    “A profile picture with a closed-mouth smile means they have the teeth of a homeless British man.”

    Jack I keep learning the hard way that I just can’t read your site while while the children are awake, because they notice their daddy laughing hysterically and they want in on it. Things I just cannot explain.

    I feel your pain on this one. I’m 41, recently divorced, single dad of two young boys, and I’ve tried online dating just to see what is out there. The sad reality of it is this – the vast majority of available women my age are single for a reason. The same is true for the fellas I’m afraid.

    I thought I would be such a catch because I have custody of the children; responsibility is sexy, right? I’d roll up to the grocery store in my Nissan Quest and say “Ladies…..I have room for all our children.” Turns out most of them don’t want to hassle with my kids in addition to theirs.

    Good luck with all your endeavors.

    • JackJack Post author

      I think a Quest says, “I’m responsible, but not so responsible that I don’t want Renault Megane styling and reliability.” 🙂

      • AvatarRobert N. Harris

        LOL. It’s a 3rd gen Quest, so maybe it says I’m part of the vanishingly small demographic that thought a “sporty” minivan based on the Maxima was a good idea. It is actually quite fun to drive.

    • AvatarFred Smith

      I have a similar story, except I have chosen the Toyota Sienna with the 8-seat option, traded “sporty” minivan for big box version. Also, I have come to think that I don’t care whether ladies with kids want to hassle with my kids — I sure don’t want to hassle with theirs. Life is complicated enough without taking on another family’s dramas.

      Single people are single for reasons, and the older they get, the more reasons there are. I include myself in that group, of course, but cut myself more slack, of course, as I am me and someone’s gotta empathize.

      I talked to a guy once who married again because he was tired of telling his story over and over to different women. I scoffed at the time, but realize some truth in the statement and honesty in revealing it.

  8. AvatarJF

    Maybe you’re right about Central Ohio. I left Indy when I encountered the same problem. A lot of women who never left home; women who never stepped outside the shadow of anything. P
    art of your problem is your venue – OKcupid. My experience with online dating is that the venue makes all the difference in who you meet. Unless you’re under 24, eHarmony is the way to fly. A few reasons for this – Match, OKcupid, etc – are ‘picture forward’ services. Worldly, pretty girls, and interesting people have some shame. They know they have interests not everyone wants to hear about. Their reservations drive them to take care of themselves. Never date a girl who lists TV and Movies as an interest. Always ask where they want to go on vacation next.

  9. Avatar-Nate

    I’m reading every reply here and thinking ~ I hear negative comments about personal ads often but no one ever says anything bad about clubbing where you go to get drunk & laid…..

    I’m not an overly social animal and no matter how cute , I don’t date the many nice single ladies @ work for what I think are obvious reasons .

    Since I ride a Moto or drive a lot , where the hell was I supposed to meet someone ? .

    As it turns out Jury Duty was the place , so one never knows where life’s road will take you .

    Agreed , I don’t really care what others think of my son , _I_ know he’s great , once in a while some Woman would see me kiss him hello or goodbye and tell me I shouldn’t do that , she was history , not going to ever stop loving my Son .

    I wish all the singles out there the best of luck .


  10. AvatarWiredChuck

    I met my wife on eHarmony. First women I met online, too. Of course, I’ve always managed to stumble into winning propositions through dumb luck. As for her, well, she’d been fishing for quite awhile before finding something she felt was worth reeling in. I still sometimes thing she might’ve been better off tossing me back, but that’s another story.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.