eHarmony Would Prefer You Didn’t Date A Race Car Driver

unavailable

Okay, this started as a joke post (look at Sign #2) but now, after listening to the radio this morning, I’m not so sure.

I took the Boxster out for its first post-Zaino commute. There was no CD in the stereo so as I rolled towards Tim Hortons I heard part of a call-in morning show. Somebody had asked the three WACKY CRAZY hosts of the thing for advice. He was in love with a woman after just four weeks, but she said she missed the single life and she wanted to be alone.

Since I was born in 1971 and not 2011, I assumed that “alone” in this case means what it always means when a woman says she wants to be “alone” — she wants to be alone from you, and alone with the cock of some charming but vaguely threatening rogue. The first two callers to offer advice to the lovelorn fellow were male and they didn’t have much to say but the third was female and her story was interesting. I’ll paraphrase:

I knew a guy like this, we dated and he was in love with me but I was in a bad-boy phase and I told him to go away. He was pretty persistent but we lost touch. Twenty-three years later (emphasis mine) we reconnected and now we’re so happy. I wasn’t ready for someone like him before but now I am just thrilled. So hold on, and you might get your dream girl!

Every time I hear shit like this it causes my stomach to drop out from under me like I’m on the Millennium Force rollercoaster. It just confirms the whole Red Pill thing, doesn’t it? Woman dates “badboys” until she’s used up and worn out at which point she agrees to lie beneath some tame impala while she pulls the Amy Winehouse, thinking of some “badboy” until her buzzer goes. Please, please please don’t let this be how things really work.

The problem with reality is that it isn’t interested in your opinion.

Given a chance, the best women choose the worst men. I know this because

a) I’ve seen it
b) I’ve been in plenty of relationships with some of the finest, most decent women possible, all of whom responded to my sociopathic behavior and refusal to commit by becoming even more fine and decent.

You know, man, I’ve seen the best minds of my generation destroyed,

leaving college near-virgins and depressed because they felt unloved and unlovable,
playing online video games every night until their self-esteem had shriveled into their network cable,
waiting patiently to be the appendix of their dream girls’ lives while those girls fucked alcoholics and losers without condoms,
paying mortgages for houses they didn’t need,
feathering nests for women who wouldn’t arrive until they were shell-shocked from the heartbreak warfare of fifty sex partners,
smiling hopefully while the girl behind the counter at Starbucks saw an empty space where their faces were,
sending texts that said “I hope you still like me” that made a phone buzz on a floor next to a torn-off set of panties,
buying gifts of incandescent thoughtfulness for people who couldn’t remember their exact names,
sitting alone in fast-food restaurants at lunch wondering why they bothered to go to work and go home and live for no one and nothing.

This will never change until someone does something about it. So the nice people at eHarmony have created this list for their female subscribers. It warns them, gives them signs that indicate they’re being used, fucked without remorse or love, treated like trash, relegated to backup-bitch status.

In a perfect world, every woman in America would read this list, recognize that their last five “complicated” relationships checked the appropriate boxes, and swear their troth that they would find a decent, loving, human breadwinner to cherish and love the way that person will cherish and love them. In a perfect world, this would happen.

But where would that leave me?

27 Replies to “eHarmony Would Prefer You Didn’t Date A Race Car Driver”

  1. Tre Deuce

    LMAoff!

    ‘The problem with reality is that it isn’t interested in your’… life.

    As my mother often said, ‘I don’t worry about my girls, I worry about my boys, women have plenty of tools to manipulate men. Most men are unarmed and totally exposed to the wiles of a woman.

    Women let themselves be serially used/abused, look for that in a relationship. Same goes for men. They are getting just what they want out of that kind of relationship. And so it goes………

    Reply
    • Tre Deuce

      In addition, playing the victim role, is just another way of holding yourself unaccountable for your actions. For a woman, she gets to be bad and cleanses herself by believing she is a victim. If she hurts, she couldn’t have been purposely bad.

      Most of the eHarmony cautions are pure sexist BS.

      Reply
  2. Robert

    “I assumed that “alone” in this case means what it always means when a woman says she wants to be “alone” — she wants to be alone from you, and alone with the cock of some charming but vaguely threatening rogue.”

    Hilarious, and right on the mark.

    “In a perfect world, every woman in America would read this list… But where would that leave me?”

    That would leave you still a charming but vaguely threatening rogue 😉 The list is not going to change anything because the target audience knows exactly what they are doing and are getting exactly what they want.

    I was the “unthreatening and available” guy for my high school and college years. It was not a good time with the ladies I can tell you. Met a girl who I thought appreciated it and spent 20 years with her. Now I’m looking at 42 and freshly single, trying to date again. I thought surely by now the women in my age group are over all that bad boy foolishness. Perhaps they are a bit, on average, but the majority sure seems to still prefer that.

    Reply
  3. Ray Ray McRazzle

    So I have questions:
    1: The list said unavailable people, not “men” so does it goes both ways, or did you log in as a woman? I know that the list can apply to both.

    2: Are you concerned that, gas pedal aside, you are one of these “unavailable people” or bad guys.

    3: Are you worried that all women who have a bad boy faze will get over it, and that you may then be a bad boy all alone. (jokingly, I’m sure you can always find a nice 23 year old who would just need to see one of the Porsche’s and you’d be set, just don’t leave all of your assets to her).

    4: If you do consider yourself a bad boy, do you plan to stay that way your entire life? (I think there comes a time in life where the mind/body just breaks down and can’t keep up with the bad boy ways i.e. Ozzy Osborne & my father).

    5: Do you not believe there can be a balance?

    6: Why is your font so ENORMOUS?!

    Reply
    • Jack Post author

      1. It was sent to a woman I know.

      2. No, I’m the sweetest guy out there, you know this, I wouldn’t harm a fly.

      3. That’s like worrying the sun will burn out. Won’t happen in my lifetime.

      4. I am not a bad boy!

      5. I’m not sure!

      6. YOU SENT ME AN EMAIL AND TOLD ME TO MAKE IT THAT WAY!

      Reply
      • Ray Ray Mcrazzle

        1. Gotcha. I have had a cocktail and want to interject my political/social rant about eharmony’s belief’s regarding close friends of mine but shall refrain.
        2. 100% agreement that stems from pure friendship ☺
        3. Good. I’ll have a better thought about this when the cocktail has worn off, but nobody should settle. People age and mature, of course, but whenever anybody does a complete 180 suspicions arise. Correct me if I’m wrong.
        4. I think everyone has their own private definition of bad boy so.. yes and now, depending on who you talk to.
        5. This is the problem you must focus on the most. Balance.
        6. I have never emailed you (directly). If I am wrong, please feel free to correct me. I believe I suggested smaller fonts during initial redesign 😉

        Addendum: I’m sure I’ll look back at all these responses and either think WTF or declare myself a genius.

        Reply
  4. mnm4ever

    I know I am going to get slammed for this, but what the hell. Your views on dating and relationships and women are pretty dead-on accurate… for attractive women. The tips from eHarmony are aimed at their target demographic… unattractive women. Those two groups are essentially polar opposites when it comes to dating. The same things you say about those nice guys permanently stuck in the friend zone also apply to the women who are desperately trying to attract any decent guy but who can’t get a date because they are overweight, have kids, don’t have the looks or the job or whatever else the guys they are trying to date are looking for. The dating world is chock full of unattractive people and they all truly expect to date someone they think is “hot”. If they were to lower their standards on looks they would have a lot more luck.

    It comes down to the basic human nature of people trying to punch above their weight. Every once in a while someone successfully lands a girl (or guy) that’s out of their league (Lord knows I got lucky with my wife, I still think I pulled off some big scam and she hasn’t caught on yet!) but for the most part the universe balances out.

    Reply
    • arbuckle

      I think you are 100% spot on.

      I posted this comment back on another of Jack’s “dating” posts and it is pretty much what you just wrote:

      “Well, the real world of women is not only fashion models and those used to living in $750K homes.

      You have foreign women, women with children, women that work at Burger King, women of different cultures/races, women that are religious, women that are older, women that are overweight, women with disabilities, etc. Pigeon-holing the lot as bombshell danger-seeking missiles isn’t really accurate and I don’t think the entire situation is as dire as you have painted.”

      Like Jimmy Soul sang…

      Reply
    • Dan Shepard

      …Except those women can find a guy if they want to. A few years ago a coworker of mine, single and in his 40s, married a woman his age who is overweight, without any significant income of her own, and 3-4 children by other men. Some nice guy out there, and not just this one, if we’re honest, was cool/ready/desperate enough to settle for the female equivalent of a homeless dude living under a bridge, in terms of attractiveness to the opposite sex.

      It doesn’t apply equally to both sexes.

      Reply
      • mnm4ever

        @Dan – You are missing my point. I didn’t say those “undate-able” women CANT get men, I said they typically cannot get the ones they want. I am going to go on a limb here and guess that your nice guy friend in his 40s and still single doesn’t look like Channing Tatum or have enough money to buy his new wife a new Porsche for a wedding gift. Hence why he is desperate enough to settle for homeless dude under a bridge instead of hot Starbucks barista. Or maybe he really fell in love, it does happen and not always to the best candidate.

        Reply
  5. rcil

    I really hope my own son doesn’t fall anywhere on that list that starts “You know, man, I’ve seen the best minds of my generation destroyed…”

    The best advice I’ve read on this subject comes from Dan Savage. In response to a question from a first year college student that was worried he was undateable and permanently friendzoned, Dan said, don’t aim to be dateable now – work on being really dateable in a few years. Work out, get ripped. Take up hobbies and interests, study hard and aim at getting a good degree and good paying career. That will pay much more of a dividend over a lifetime than anything you can get from a woman during college.

    I hope my son doesn’t waste any time mooning after girls. When he’s a few years older that is the advice I will be giving him.

    Reply
    • Jack Post author

      I’m going to disagree with Dan Savage here. The kid he’s advising could be dateable immediately if he took the time to understand women. Getting ripped and getting interesting hobbies is primarily interesting to gay men. Since Dan is gay, that’s legitimate. It would be like if I had a dating advice column — every response would start with “Buy a Viper, then…”

      The third-rate tail you can get in college is better than the best you can get as an accomplished thirty-five-year-old. Your average African-American thug wannabe in an integrated high school is sleeping with better-looking women than Mark Zuckerberg is.

      Just my opinion, of course, which is worth what you paid for it 🙂

      Reply
      • Dan Shepard

        Disagree with this a bit, although I live in a college town (one you might be familiar with as a R&T writer). A couple months ago I was grabbing coffee and in walked one of the hottest 18-20ish year old girls I’ve seen in some time, on what appeared to be a date with a dude in the 35-40 age range.

        In general through, I think most guys need to both take the time to understand women and pull….and also realize that it isn’t the be all end all of life, and go out and live life too. You won’t be happy without both.

        Reply
        • mnm4ever

          Maybe he was her professor? Or just a young girl into older dudes… that is one of the easiest ways for a guy in his 30s or 40s to improve the quality of tail he can get. Jjust go for the really young ones who are not yet smart enough to realize they can do better too. Problem is, after the sex is done you might have to actually have a conversation with them and that can be painful. I guess the idea is never stop having sex with them and you are good to go.

          Reply
      • rcil

        I’m sure a lot of straight women as well as gay men are interested in race car driving guitar playing writers. Just sayin’ 😉

        If a guy in college has no problem meeting girls, he should bang away (but WEAR TWO!)

        If he’s more of an introvert, rather than waste his spare time worrying about it, he should put it to good use learning Chinese, to play music or Ruby or GO programming

        Reply
    • arbuckle

      I’m certainly no expert, but I don’t agree with Savage either. Self-improvement might help out somewhat with confidence but if someone is already lonely and insecure then spending large amounts of time studying or lifting weights or learning the violin isn’t the best strategy.

      Really I would give this advice:

      1. Go out and FORCE yourself to talk to women. Ask out at a minimum a new women every week. At some point getting dates is a numbers game and odds are very high he has a fear of rejection he needs to get over.

      2. Don’t get obsessed with someone that doesn’t want to date you. If a woman doesn’t respond to your advances then move on.

      Reply
      • rcil

        Here’s a thought experiment: would YOU date YOU?

        If you are lonely and insecure, probably not.

        A lot of guys mistakenly think that the cure for lonely and insecure is a relationship.

        So work on yourself first, get some achievements under your belt and you will stop being lonely and insecure.

        And miraculously you will start to attract some tail.

        nb: this is addressed not to arbuckle in particular but to a generic lonely and insecure college guy

        Reply
      • mnm4ever

        MY advice would be don’t waste your time at all on women. Get yourself some good friends and hang out having a really good time and completely ignoring the girls. They pick up on the fact that you are having too much fun to pay attention to them and they will come to you. Confidence and a good sense of humor go farther than cars, hobbies, or muscles.

        I was always in the friend zone until I figured that one out, and that is when the tail came. I am no Channing Tatum either, and I am short, which I firmly believe is worse than being fat, ugly, or smelling bad when it comes to dating. Tall girls like tall guys, short girls like tall guys, even fat girls like tall guys. And you can lose weight and take showers, but you ain’t gonna stretch!

        Reply
  6. jz78817

    “This will never change until someone does something about it.”

    y’know, I’ve commented on past posts of yours about being an “incel” or some other stuff, and I was completely off the reservation. I’m still single because I don’t socialize, I don’t want to socialize, and because of #1 and #2 I’m not going to meet many people. The thing is, I fully realize that means I’m not going to land a hottie.

    Unfortunately, the “best minds of your generation” don’t realize they aren’t owed a hot girl.

    Reply
  7. Frank Galvin

    To those “leaving college near-virgins and depressed because they felt unloved and unlovable,
    playing online video games every night until their self-esteem had shriveled into their network cable,
    waiting patiently to be the appendix of their dream girls’ lives while those girls fucked alcoholics and losers without condoms,paying mortgages for houses they didn’t need, feathering nests for women who wouldn’t arrive until they were shell-shocked from the heartbreak warfare of fifty sex partners,
    smiling hopefully while the girl behind the counter at Starbucks saw an empty space where their faces were,sending texts that said “I hope you still like me” that made a phone buzz on a floor next to a torn-off set of panties,buying gifts of incandescent thoughtfulness for people who couldn’t remember their exact names,sitting alone in fast-food restaurants at lunch wondering why they bothered to go to work and go home and live for no one and nothing” sad sad guys.

    Just stop. Stop waiting, stop caring about why you can’t have her, stop wondering why she won’t sleep with you, stop buying nice things for disinterested women. Stop buying things for your home with a woman in mind. That woman does not exist. Put her and the fictional pedestal you put her on out of your mind. Don’t be alone all the time. Go outside, be active, be social. Take care of you. Learn to dress. Get to know and like yourself, learn how to interact with people. Drink. Find a decent watering hole. Make friends with the bartender. Continue to drink somewhat irresponsibly from time to time. You may (better yet will) get laid, and that will satisfy a need. Your obligation is to get home safe and make it to work Monday – Friday. Travel. Go back to school. You’ll find her along this path.

    Reply
    • jz78817

      “Go outside, be active, be social. Take care of you. Learn to dress. Get to know and like yourself, learn how to interact with people.”

      there are plenty of us who don’t have the first fucking clue how to do any of those things. for me, the thought of being around large groups of people is enough to trigger a panic attack. I go out of my way to avoid gatherings, even ones at work.

      “Drink. Find a decent watering hole. Make friends with the bartender. Continue to drink somewhat irresponsibly from time to time.”

      I do that to quell the boredom. bad advice.

      PROTIP: you’re giving advice to someone you think is exactly like you. Well, we’re not.

      Reply
      • Frank Galvin

        Jz – I wasn’t writing or describing solely myself. That was a description of many people, some who succceeded, some who are still pining away. And as far as knowing how to take the initial step, or having the first bleeping clue, and I say this with all sincerity, ask for help. Seriously, if you want to dress better, deal with anxiety, do other stuff, ask for help. As for having a few drinks, I worked at a bar/ restaurant for several years and I did notice many a regular who started off sitting alone and a few months later was part of my social circle. Asking is the hardest part. That takes time. I do wish you well.

        Reply
  8. lozz

    Two early steps towards redeeming yourself;

    1:- dropkick your idiot-box clean out of your house and your life,

    2;- refuse to watch any “entertainment” that comes under the Hollywood brand. It’s not entertainment.

    These won’t negate the life-time of depraved crap you’ve been fed, but they will stop the daily re-enforcement of artificial ideas you’ve already been saddled with.

    Reply
  9. Brian Driggs

    As for the question “Where would that leave me?” Isn’t the obvious answer “waxing your Porsche,” so to speak?

    PS: As someone who met his wife on eHarmony 10 years ago, there’s also the continent of society interested in meeting others looking for committed, long term relationships, tired of the meat market bullshit.

    Reply

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