Thousands Of Vacuums Sold, Dozens Of Confirmed Kills

I used to work with a fellow who would lease a new BMW or Audi for each of his ex-girlfriends. Kind of a parting gift: Hey, it’s been great, it’s been fun, don’t call me any more, have an entry-luxury car for your trouble.

At my house, on the other hand, we offer a free Riccar canister vac to each move-out. Or at least we don’t prevent the removal of one. Which means I’m now short one canister vac.

There’s no reason to bore you with the long decision process that led me to wonder whether the Miele S2 or S6 series would be right for me. Just mentioning it makes me feel like Edward Norton at the beginning of “Fight Club”. The important part is that the process led me to watch the above video and thus to meet Andy of EZ Vacuums.

What’s Andy’s story? Is he Russian? German? Something else? How and why and when did he come to the United States? Does he own the place? Obvioulsy all these questions could be answered with a phone call, but I’m not inclined to do that. Instead, I’m going to make up Andy’s story for him. I’m going to say that he was a member of the East German Stasi, a fearsome intelligence operator who performed political assassinations using a variety of weapons cleverly concealed in West German Miele canister vacs. Over the course of the Eighties, he racked up dozens of kills for the East German government, shaping the course of European political discourse through the most ruthless methods imaginable. Once he strangled a high-ranking officer in the Bundeswehr using only the power-retractable hose found in the Miele S2 series (Delphi and Titan only; Olympus and Capri offer a standard hose without power retraction feature).

In 1989, the Stasi decided to destabilize America through the introduction of legislation to decriminalize marijuana use in Colorado. Through “Operation Puffenzeweed”, the freedom-loving citizens of the Centennial State would be turned into reefer-madness zombies. To make this happen, it would be necessary to spill the blood of dozens of marijuana’s most prominent detractors, preferably with targeted kills that appeared to be vacuum-cleaner accidents.

Flying a Mig-29 “Fulcrum” under the radar across the Pacific Ocean from a base in Siberia, “Andy” landed at a small general-aviation airport on the outskirts of Denver well after midnight. Quickly killing the two witnesses to his arrival, using a Miele horsehair-brush parquet floor tool (“I really like this one”, he would later exclaim), he then disassembled the Mig and stored the parts inside several in-stock Ford Thunderbird SCs at a local dealer, ensuring they would not be discovered for years. He then went about his deadly work.

But while “Andy” was on assignment in Colorado, the Berlin Wall fell and he became a man without a country. He decided to make a living the only way he knew how: selling German-made canister vacs. When pressed, he claimed to be from Kentucky, which satisfied everybody in Colorado because they were all blazed as fuck all the time.

The End.

8 Replies to “Thousands Of Vacuums Sold, Dozens Of Confirmed Kills”

  1. VTNoah

    I became the owner of a Miele Titan after my wife decided that our FREE Dyson just wasn’t doing the trick and she just had to have a precision German cleaning tool. I will say it’s quite quiet and sucks quite well. YMMV

    Reply
  2. Tomko

    Go Miele or go home.

    I have their canister vac, laundry washer and dishwasher.

    I’d buy more, but they make nothing else that I’m in the market for. Shame they don’t make a central vac.

    Reply
  3. Domestic Hearse

    Andy’s espionage and assassination attempts were repeatedly foiled by his nemesis from MI6, James Dyson, who had a license to suck.

    Reply

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