A few weeks ago, I got an email telling me that my reviews on “Lulu” would be deleted unless I joined the site and gave them my consent. I knew what Lulu was, of course. It’s an app that allows your former
pump-and-dumps dating partners to review you after the fact. As Forbes noted at the time, the fact that Apple even allowed it on the App Store was a form of soft sexism; can you imagine the company promoting, or even permitting, an app that allowed men to name-and-shame their one-night-stands?
Turns out that some people really didn’t like being rated on Lulu, and some of those people had law degrees. So Lulu announced recently that it will only show ratings for men who consent to be rated. Thus the email, and thus my decision to see what Lulu had to say about me. In this blogpost, I will respond point-by-point to the anonymous woman who had the fucking nerve to give me a “4.0” in “Looks and Style”.
We’ll start with the hastags, which are separated into “Best” and “Worst”.
#AlwaysPays — this is true. I don’t let anybody pay for anything until like the 14th date. Dating me is like being a mommyblogger on a press trip: you don’t need to bring your wallet, but you’ll end up on your knees.
#SelfMadeMan — this is actually an insult, because it implies that somehow I’ve made something of myself. To the contrary, I’m the biggest loser in my family. Even my cousin who lives in a dirt shack and doesn’t wash her hair still has a degree from Bryn Mawr. I’m not a self made man. I started with all the advantages and squandered them.
#KissableLips — I guess?
#MakesMeLaugh — okay, I am quite humorous.
Now, for the Worst
#PornEducated — not true. Just because I occasionally smother someone with a pillow for a moment or two.
#OneTrackMind — I call that being focused, thank you.
#NeverSleepsOver — Guilty.
#SketchyCallLog — Guilty.
#TotalF**kingDickhead — No, no, no! I am a kind, sensitive person, you fucking bitch!
#GetsInFights — I will occasionally share my opinion with someone, okay?
#BitchyExes — Not true, I’ve dated a lot of sweet people.
#LiarLiarPantsOnFire — I assume this refers to the episode where I was in a Subaru BR-Z at Willow Springs and it caught on fire. I’m always very honest with women, from a certain point of view.
#StripClubVIP — Nah, I hardly ever go to clubs.
#QuestionableSearchHistory — mostly contains Kawasaki ZRX1200s
#CrayCray — it’s called manic depression, I think this is a very bigoted statement.
#JekyllAndHyde — If I have to be one of the characters from “League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen”, I want to be Dorian Grey.
#ShouldComeWithAWarning — I do come with a warning, it’s right here and it’s been read 504,000 times to date.
#FastFoodDiet — Guilty.
#50ShadesOfF**kedUp — Tying someone to a bed for a while is not the same as beating them with a belt.
#SelfAbsorbed — No comment.
#GoneByMorning — *cue Supertramp song
#WanderingEye — Guilty.
#HeLovesMeNot — I don’t know who wrote this, so I can’t say.
#HitItAndQuitIt — Sometimes, but who doesn’t do that?
#BlockHisNumber — Thanks.
#ManChild — You know, this part is really not fair. I’m a grown-up. I’ve never missed a mortgage payment, I look after my son, I show up for work, I can be found on international bookstands. Just because I turned my living room into a guitar display area…
We will now respond to the individual ratings:
Humor — 9.0 This stings a bit. Could I have been funnier somehow? What did I do wrong? Why is this not a ten?
First kiss — 4.0 Maybe we were drunk, but I would welcome more detail on this.
Manners — 9.0 Well yes, I went to Catholic school and I was terrified of my father. But why is this not a ten? Did I accidentally button my top suit button with both hands because I was pissing-myself sloshed at the time? Did I under-tip a maitre-d?
Ambition — 8.0 I’m surprised that I got an eight. I live in a crappy little house and have no investment strategy.
Sex — 10.0 You know what? I don’t believe this. I don’t want to believe it, for reasons I’ll detail below.
Commitment — 6.5 Why is this a half-point rating? Why is it so precise? What’s being communicated here? How could I have gotten a 7.0 here? Why wasn’t it a 6.0?
Look & Style — 4.0 Okay, I am thoroughly and candidly hurt here. I realize I’m not a handsome man. That’s not my fault. Like Lady Gaga, I was born this way. But I think I’ve tried to make up for it. I have my own style. You can recognize me at a distance, anywhere I go. I choose ethically-sourced clothing, much of which is custom-made and all of which is completely non-basic. Giving me a 4.0 is like giving the William-Towns-penned Aston Lagonda a 4.0. Just because you disagree with it doesn’t mean it deserves a 4.0. That’s worse than average. You cannot tell me I have a worse look and style than the average 43-year-old man, God damn it!
I suppose the review could have been worse. The reason it bothers me is because it conflicts with my self-image. I think of myself as a very decent and humane sort of fellow, kind of a shabby-professor type, who seduces women through charisma and personal style. Turns out that I’m a sociopath whose primary virtue is providing some top-notch bondage and sex. I picture this poor woman sitting through yet another meal at Wendy’s or Firehouse Subs or wherever, thinking to herself, “If I can just endure this meal and his definitely-not-a-perfect-10 humor, we can eventually have sex, and that will make up for his miserable look and style.” This explains why I’ve been the target of more than a couple come-on-over calls in the evening over the past few years. Because it’s dark outside and the women in question don’t want to be seen with me! My God! What have I become?
Lulu wants me to join the site and permit this review, and any others that might occur in the future, to stay up. I’ve thought about that, and I’ve come to a decision. So, to my Lulu reviewer, whomever she may be (and my prime suspect already issued an official denial prior to this blog going to press, as it were) all I can say is, to misquote Dominic Toretto,
- Despite all that, you are still in my good graces.
- But you’re not keeping this review on Lulu.