The Critics Respond, Part Twenty — Special “Lulu” Edition

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A few weeks ago, I got an email telling me that my reviews on “Lulu” would be deleted unless I joined the site and gave them my consent. I knew what Lulu was, of course. It’s an app that allows your former pump-and-dumps dating partners to review you after the fact. As Forbes noted at the time, the fact that Apple even allowed it on the App Store was a form of soft sexism; can you imagine the company promoting, or even permitting, an app that allowed men to name-and-shame their one-night-stands?

Turns out that some people really didn’t like being rated on Lulu, and some of those people had law degrees. So Lulu announced recently that it will only show ratings for men who consent to be rated. Thus the email, and thus my decision to see what Lulu had to say about me. In this blogpost, I will respond point-by-point to the anonymous woman who had the fucking nerve to give me a “4.0” in “Looks and Style”.

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We’ll start with the hastags, which are separated into “Best” and “Worst”.

#AlwaysPays — this is true. I don’t let anybody pay for anything until like the 14th date. Dating me is like being a mommyblogger on a press trip: you don’t need to bring your wallet, but you’ll end up on your knees.

#SelfMadeMan — this is actually an insult, because it implies that somehow I’ve made something of myself. To the contrary, I’m the biggest loser in my family. Even my cousin who lives in a dirt shack and doesn’t wash her hair still has a degree from Bryn Mawr. I’m not a self made man. I started with all the advantages and squandered them.

#KissableLips — I guess?

#MakesMeLaugh — okay, I am quite humorous.

#WritesLoveSongs — this is true, as has been shown at least a few times.

Now, for the Worst

#PornEducated — not true. Just because I occasionally smother someone with a pillow for a moment or two.

#OneTrackMind — I call that being focused, thank you.

#NeverSleepsOver — Guilty.

#SketchyCallLog — Guilty.

#TotalF**kingDickhead — No, no, no! I am a kind, sensitive person, you fucking bitch!

#GetsInFights — I will occasionally share my opinion with someone, okay?

#BitchyExes — Not true, I’ve dated a lot of sweet people.

#LiarLiarPantsOnFire — I assume this refers to the episode where I was in a Subaru BR-Z at Willow Springs and it caught on fire. I’m always very honest with women, from a certain point of view.

#StripClubVIP — Nah, I hardly ever go to clubs.

#QuestionableSearchHistory — mostly contains Kawasaki ZRX1200s

#CrayCray — it’s called manic depression, I think this is a very bigoted statement.

#JekyllAndHyde — If I have to be one of the characters from “League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen”, I want to be Dorian Grey.

#ShouldComeWithAWarning — I do come with a warning, it’s right here and it’s been read 504,000 times to date.

#FastFoodDiet — Guilty.

#50ShadesOfF**kedUp — Tying someone to a bed for a while is not the same as beating them with a belt.

#SelfAbsorbed — No comment.

#GoneByMorning — *cue Supertramp song

#WanderingEye — Guilty.

#HeLovesMeNot — I don’t know who wrote this, so I can’t say.

#HitItAndQuitIt — Sometimes, but who doesn’t do that?

#BlockHisNumber — Thanks.

#ManChild — You know, this part is really not fair. I’m a grown-up. I’ve never missed a mortgage payment, I look after my son, I show up for work, I can be found on international bookstands. Just because I turned my living room into a guitar display area…

We will now respond to the individual ratings:

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Humor — 9.0 This stings a bit. Could I have been funnier somehow? What did I do wrong? Why is this not a ten?

First kiss — 4.0 Maybe we were drunk, but I would welcome more detail on this.

Manners — 9.0 Well yes, I went to Catholic school and I was terrified of my father. But why is this not a ten? Did I accidentally button my top suit button with both hands because I was pissing-myself sloshed at the time? Did I under-tip a maitre-d?

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Ambition — 8.0 I’m surprised that I got an eight. I live in a crappy little house and have no investment strategy.

Sex — 10.0 You know what? I don’t believe this. I don’t want to believe it, for reasons I’ll detail below.

Commitment — 6.5 Why is this a half-point rating? Why is it so precise? What’s being communicated here? How could I have gotten a 7.0 here? Why wasn’t it a 6.0?

Look & Style — 4.0 Okay, I am thoroughly and candidly hurt here. I realize I’m not a handsome man. That’s not my fault. Like Lady Gaga, I was born this way. But I think I’ve tried to make up for it. I have my own style. You can recognize me at a distance, anywhere I go. I choose ethically-sourced clothing, much of which is custom-made and all of which is completely non-basic. Giving me a 4.0 is like giving the William-Towns-penned Aston Lagonda a 4.0. Just because you disagree with it doesn’t mean it deserves a 4.0. That’s worse than average. You cannot tell me I have a worse look and style than the average 43-year-old man, God damn it!

I suppose the review could have been worse. The reason it bothers me is because it conflicts with my self-image. I think of myself as a very decent and humane sort of fellow, kind of a shabby-professor type, who seduces women through charisma and personal style. Turns out that I’m a sociopath whose primary virtue is providing some top-notch bondage and sex. I picture this poor woman sitting through yet another meal at Wendy’s or Firehouse Subs or wherever, thinking to herself, “If I can just endure this meal and his definitely-not-a-perfect-10 humor, we can eventually have sex, and that will make up for his miserable look and style.” This explains why I’ve been the target of more than a couple come-on-over calls in the evening over the past few years. Because it’s dark outside and the women in question don’t want to be seen with me! My God! What have I become?

Lulu wants me to join the site and permit this review, and any others that might occur in the future, to stay up. I’ve thought about that, and I’ve come to a decision. So, to my Lulu reviewer, whomever she may be (and my prime suspect already issued an official denial prior to this blog going to press, as it were) all I can say is, to misquote Dominic Toretto,

  • Despite all that, you are still in my good graces.
  • But you’re not keeping this review on Lulu.

20 Replies to “The Critics Respond, Part Twenty — Special “Lulu” Edition”

  1. Avatar-Nate

    Snicker ;

    Jack , you’re doing just fine .

    I was going to address your comments point by point but that simple facts are : you’re well liked and the booty calls keep coming , if that’s where you want to be @ 40 Y.O. then every thing’s a 10 I think .

    Each person has different values , I bet most of the lower ratings are because they can’t hang their sign on you and are jealous .

    -Nate

    Reply
  2. Avatarjz78817

    the more I read about apps/sites like this, the more I realize there’s a whole world out there I know nothing about…

    and #CrayCray is a hashtag? please shoot me.

    Reply
  3. AvatarWill

    I dunno, every time I see a picture of you, 4.0 seems dead on for style. Probably a bit generous. On a serious note, how did lulu find you?

    Reply
  4. AvatarWill DeBouver

    Apparently, there is no way to contact the author of this site unless you post a comment on one of his articles!! I have searched high and low for a contact button, and it is non existent. If the author and owner of this site would be so kind as to contact me with HIS contact info that would be great. This is concerning an item we spoke about several months ago in the author’s possession that he was willing to sell me. Thanks so much!

    Will DeBouver

    PS _ The author is nowhere to be found on Facebook either!

    Reply
  5. AvatarAndy

    I suspect “Look and Style” probably means “Athleticism” to some women. If you don’t look like a Mens Health cover model, you ain’t getting a 10.

    Overall score of 7.2 is pretty good, surely?

    Reply
  6. Avatar-Nate

    Yes ~

    The dress style and hair cut really drags in the vapid ones who want a ‘ bad boy ‘ but shortly they begin wanting you to ‘ change ‘ meaning : dress and hair more main stream .

    As Jack doesn’t seem to care , methinks he’s in good shape , who cares what some bimbos put OnLine anyway ? .

    -Nate

    Reply
  7. AvatarDomestic Hearse

    Lulu? Jebus. Learn something new every day. I may be old, married, and out-of-it entirely, but the single scene today looks difficult and demoralizing.

    Reply
  8. Avatarkvndoom

    Heh, such bullshit. Seriously, for all they have to say about you, they still spread their legs willingly. What does that say about [i]them[/i]?

    No matter how much shit they talk, they can’t un-fuck you.

    Reply
  9. AvatarMental

    Y’all haircut peaple is wrong! I ain’t putting scissors to my head anytime soon. Embrace the Jesus!

    Of course the review conflicts with your self image. The problem is your self image conflicted with the image of what she wanted you to be. This “review” is a reflection of that.

    Own that 4. Like a damm badge!! The world needs more gold lamé jackets and men confident enough to wear them. I would also add that fashion commentators think Mikey Cyrus dresses wonderfully.

    I learned a long time ago that as long as you can look yourself in the eye in the morning, you are doing it right.

    Reply
  10. AvatarAoLetsGo

    It really does not read like that bad of a review, and yes I am not in the dating scene and would not like to be reviewed like this in public. Getting a 9.0 rating sounds like an A- in my book and nothing to complain about, you reminded me of those stupid satisfaction surveys hints you get from the dealership – remember to rate us a 100% perfect because anything less is failure!
    Also personally while I am no fashion maven and my personal style choices tend to end up with more misses than hits, you were the one who put it out there about going to auto shows looking like a dirt bag.

    Carry on your doing fine.

    Reply

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