Only One Of These Two Paragraphs Can Be True, Really


Were you aware that there is a GIANT DONALD TRUMP RELATED MOVEMENT TO CREATE A RACIST BOYCOTT OF STAR WARS? Don’t worry, there isn’t one. That doesn’t stop the Daily Beast from doing some first rate Twitter ‘reporting’ on the subject. Yes, the word “Racist” leads the headline. In the future, all headlines will contain the word “Racist” the same way all movie trailers have the Inception sound.

* Racist Fans Cheer Celtics Win
* Racist Racists Tweet In Racist Manner About Racist New Movie
* Racists Complain About Nuclear Strike Launched By Iran And China; If You Are Reading This, You Have Eleven Minutes To Live
* Racist Racecar Racers Racing Racist Races As “Little E” Takes Daytona 500 Win By Being Allowed to Use Ten Cylinder Engine

The rather thin chicken-wire frame used by the Beast’s Jen Yamato to prop up this racist straw man should be easy to knock down, but in her haste to stomp on the body Ms. Yamato allows her FeelzWorld approach to “reality” to lead her into a contradiction. Come on, fellow Aspies. Read the two paragaphs above. Can both of them be true at the same time?

Obviously, they cannot. Stormtroopers make up the bulk of the Imperial military everywhere they go. So, either you accept the retcon that makes the Imperial military all clones of a part-Maori soldier (zero fucking points given, by the way, for the use of the word ‘thesp’ in that paragraph), or you do not accept the retcon, at which point the Imperial military is very possibly pasty-white. We don’t know, because at no time in the original movies do we see Stormtroopers without their helmets or gloves. We do know that the Imperial command structure is mostly British, but for the Imperials to be “overwhelmingly” any particular ethnicity, that ethnicity would have to be represented in the stormtrooper base. Most effective modern armies have maintained an officer-to-enlisted ratio of about 1:10, but consider that many jobs often given to officers in a modern army, like pilot and/or AT-AT commander, are also handled by clone troopers.

It might be most effective to think of the Imperials as a clone army with non-clone leaders. Given that the Empire has actual aristocracy within it, as did the “Republic” beforehand, this makes the most sense because until the twentieth century one’s rank in an army was often closely tied to family prestige. It would probably be possible to write a bitchin’ sort of Vanity Fair remix with the pre-Death-Star Empire as a backdrop. Everybody who wants to talk about Star Wars, stick around after the end of today’s group therapy! We can discuss my personal theory about the “Anakin trilogy”, which is that they simply do not exist. Period, point blank.

No matter how you feel about “Jango Fett” and the “Mandalorians” and all that stupidity, however, you have to admit that Ms. Yamato cannot have it both ways. The Imperial Forces can’t be both Maori People Of Light and overwhelmingly pasty-white. There is no logical way for that to be so, unless you want to add some non-canon interludes where all the Fett clones got killed and all-new Stormtroopers were cloned from white people. There’s support for that, by the way, in the fact that Temeura Morrison is five foot seven and Mark Hamill is five nine. Making him not a little short for a Stormtrooper, but a little tall. All great fun.

Will anybody confront Ms. Yamato about her illogical Stormtrooper race theory? If they did, they would probably be harassed and desexualized as a result. After all, only some LOSER NERD WHITE GEEK would care about whether stormtroopers are half-Maori, right? And only some incel pasty-faced white gamer would possibly care enough about the specifics of Yamato’s article to look into the rationality of her claims. The article isn’t about reason! It’s about feels and feeling good and writing things that feel good to write and read.

Which sets up the Internet dynamic of the future: a group of (mostly) young, (mostly) white (mostly) men attempting to use their engineers’ goggles to make sense of what they’re required to read and comment on and agree to in order to stay employed and to even exist in society. And since what they’re reading is straight from FeelzWorld, none of it will make any sense to them. That, combined with the unrelenting pressure to humiliate and emasculate young men into “going their own way” even as society mocks them for making that choice, sets up a rather unpleasant situation for the upcoming decades.

Unpleasant, yes, but not unfamiliar. A bunch of bearded fat guys with home-made cars and robes and swords, against an utterly conformist society where a “lack of faith” can get you choked to death? You’ll have to get those power converters down at Toshi Station without me, Mama — I’m joining the rebellion!

17 Replies to “Only One Of These Two Paragraphs Can Be True, Really”

  1. AvatarHankChinaski


    Movie will tank. They have zero understanding of their fanbase and would rather teach a lesson.


  2. AvatarPat

    I care about neither the daily beast “writer” nor the boycotters, but damned if I didn’t click through that hashtag and just kind of despair. And it’s not like my first rodeo.

  3. AvatarVic Mik

    Star Wars this week…just dont care and cant get away….like the photos of Kim Kardashian and Kanye on the tabloids at the checkout aisle…everytime, there they are…I know many are enthralled by their saga, but I couldnt care any less.

    Star Wars is like that.

  4. Avatardavefla

    Whatever else they do with this one, it’s going to have X-Wings dogfighting TIEs. It can’t possibly suck as bad as Revenge of the Sith (which fortunately doesn’t exist.)

  5. Avatarjz78817

    while I like the Star Wars films (yes, even the prequels, as crappy as they are,) I can’t believe how some people have turned them into enormous wastes of time. George Lucas adds some CG to the original films and people scream that he “raped their childhoods” (a phrase which is literally the only thing which truly, deeply offends me.)

    I was listening to one of Bobcat Goldthwait’s stand-up performances, where he was talking about going to the theatrical re-release of the “special edition” original films. he went on about people in the audience calling out “fake! FAKE!” when the CG Jabba showed up. His response was golden:

    “Oh yeah, he’s not real like Chewbacca. Have any of you fucking nerds ever even seen a vagina?”

    • AvatarDan S

      That is a seriously fucked up phrase, “Raped my childhood”.

      That said, having just seen episode IV for the first time in an age, the CGI was of poor quality by modern standards and, much more importantly, added ABSOLUTELY NOTHING USEFUL to the film.

      It’d be like adding one of those “eco-driving” gauges over the tachometer of a corvette…. you can do it, but it adds nothing and distracts from the real purpose of the thing.

      On a more serious note, how much worse is the bombardment of crap from FEELZWORLD going to become before there’s a major societal backlash?

  6. AvatarRobert™

    Jenkies. Publishd on The Beast you say?

    So a website notorious for running pandering and sensationalist stories has run an article tying the 2015 word of the year with the biggest holiday movie. Color me shocked.

    What is mildly disappointing is a man who I read for pandering to more intellectually stimulating or at least libidinously titillating commentary is bothering to weigh in on the latest #nerdwar. Write away on whatever you wish, your blog, your rules. But its one of the rare moments when I feel that click was wasted. Glass half full alternative theory…they usually aren’t.

    • AvatarArk-med

      Hey now, this isn’t the first time he’s written about nerdy stuff — gamergate.

  7. AvatarWiredChuck

    All of this aside, I’ve got half a mind to track down a laserdisc player and the original trilogy on disc to see the theatrical releases, not the molested editions.

    • AvatarFelis Concolor

      If you’re near COS, I have a half dozen LD players and the LE LD edition, although I just realized I’ll need to obtain a composite/S-Video to HDMI converteor. Only 29″ for the screen, although it is in the right and proper CinemaScope ratio.

  8. AvatarJosh H.

    I’ve watched all of them and I’ll watch every single one they make from here on out until I’m dis-interested(Same with Fast and Furious). While there have been low points in the series, it’s been one that people connect with. I barely grew up with “unmolested” copies of Star Wars. I fully embrace CGI. Everything that I’ve seen or heard seems to really show this new movie as a return to what made Star Wars great. I probably won’t see it the first day or week or even month… but I’ll see it and judge it then. Kind of shocked at the knee jerk reactions on both sides, but incredibly hopeful for something new.

  9. Avataratonge40

    By the time Luke Skywalker was running around in a Stromtrooper uniform, clone Stormtroopers made up a minority of the ranks. Also, the Empire also used other sources for clones besides Jango Fett. Still, it’s probably best we just forget that Episodes I-III happened. They were butt.

  10. AvatarDomestic Hearse

    I have no freaking idea what you’re even talking about. Ever since I took my daughter and friends to see Episode 1 and they all loved Jar Jar Binks, I checked out. When was that, like 15 years ago? You mean they kept making Star Wars movies after they jumped that shark? And people went?

  11. Avatarkvndoom

    Just blame Obama. That’s what all the cool kids do.

    My boss told me earlier this week to look up Rev. Manning’s “white homo demons” speech. Now THAT was classic comedy.

  12. AvatarZykotec

    Since this whole thing is based on splitting hairs on someone splitting hairs on internet trolling, I’m going to say, off course both paragraphs can be correct.
    Firstly, The ‘Evil Empire’ can still be pasty white no matter the skincolour of the individual stormtroopers. Firstly, most stormtroopers are not evil. They are soldiers, trying to protect their state from a bunch of rebels trying to hurt their empire as far as we know. Given all their other technology, I would thin they have a propaganda systems at least as developed as the ones that made Germans into Nazis, or made a western country invade a middle eastern country that actually didn’t have any double-U-M-D’s. And Darth Vaders voice doesn’t count.
    Also, we have no indication that any of the stormtroopers from the original Star Wars trilogy were clones, or t least not all of them. First of all, we can see they are different several times, and Luke mentions wanting to become one (was he evil too ?)
    As far as we know, the clone army has died out, been replaced, or just added to massively by the time Anakins children became adults. The evil Empire in Star Wars would certainly not be the first evil ‘pasty white’ empire to have multicultural help.

  13. AvatarGertFrobeBodyDouble

    I hope the movie tanks and the studios learn their lesson before we get negoid James Bond, negroid Captain America, negroid Oskar Schindler etc.

    That said, I suspect it’ll do well like all of JJ Abrams’ movies do, and since it’s racist to give it less than two thumbs up, it won’t even get critically panned.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.