Were you aware that there is a GIANT DONALD TRUMP RELATED MOVEMENT TO CREATE A RACIST BOYCOTT OF STAR WARS? Don’t worry, there isn’t one. That doesn’t stop the Daily Beast from doing some first rate Twitter ‘reporting’ on the subject. Yes, the word “Racist” leads the headline. In the future, all headlines will contain the word “Racist” the same way all movie trailers have the Inception sound.
* Racist Fans Cheer Celtics Win
* Racist Racists Tweet In Racist Manner About Racist New Movie
* Racists Complain About Nuclear Strike Launched By Iran And China; If You Are Reading This, You Have Eleven Minutes To Live
* Racist Racecar Racers Racing Racist Races As “Little E” Takes Daytona 500 Win By Being Allowed to Use Ten Cylinder Engine
The rather thin chicken-wire frame used by the Beast’s Jen Yamato to prop up this racist straw man should be easy to knock down, but in her haste to stomp on the body Ms. Yamato allows her FeelzWorld approach to “reality” to lead her into a contradiction. Come on, fellow Aspies. Read the two paragaphs above. Can both of them be true at the same time?
Obviously, they cannot. Stormtroopers make up the bulk of the Imperial military everywhere they go. So, either you accept the retcon that makes the Imperial military all clones of a part-Maori soldier (zero fucking points given, by the way, for the use of the word ‘thesp’ in that paragraph), or you do not accept the retcon, at which point the Imperial military is very possibly pasty-white. We don’t know, because at no time in the original movies do we see Stormtroopers without their helmets or gloves. We do know that the Imperial command structure is mostly British, but for the Imperials to be “overwhelmingly” any particular ethnicity, that ethnicity would have to be represented in the stormtrooper base. Most effective modern armies have maintained an officer-to-enlisted ratio of about 1:10, but consider that many jobs often given to officers in a modern army, like pilot and/or AT-AT commander, are also handled by clone troopers.
It might be most effective to think of the Imperials as a clone army with non-clone leaders. Given that the Empire has actual aristocracy within it, as did the “Republic” beforehand, this makes the most sense because until the twentieth century one’s rank in an army was often closely tied to family prestige. It would probably be possible to write a bitchin’ sort of Vanity Fair remix with the pre-Death-Star Empire as a backdrop. Everybody who wants to talk about Star Wars, stick around after the end of today’s group therapy! We can discuss my personal theory about the “Anakin trilogy”, which is that they simply do not exist. Period, point blank.
No matter how you feel about “Jango Fett” and the “Mandalorians” and all that stupidity, however, you have to admit that Ms. Yamato cannot have it both ways. The Imperial Forces can’t be both Maori People Of Light and overwhelmingly pasty-white. There is no logical way for that to be so, unless you want to add some non-canon interludes where all the Fett clones got killed and all-new Stormtroopers were cloned from white people. There’s support for that, by the way, in the fact that Temeura Morrison is five foot seven and Mark Hamill is five nine. Making him not a little short for a Stormtrooper, but a little tall. All great fun.
Will anybody confront Ms. Yamato about her illogical Stormtrooper race theory? If they did, they would probably be harassed and desexualized as a result. After all, only some LOSER NERD WHITE GEEK would care about whether stormtroopers are half-Maori, right? And only some incel pasty-faced white gamer would possibly care enough about the specifics of Yamato’s article to look into the rationality of her claims. The article isn’t about reason! It’s about feels and feeling good and writing things that feel good to write and read.
Which sets up the Internet dynamic of the future: a group of (mostly) young, (mostly) white (mostly) men attempting to use their engineers’ goggles to make sense of what they’re required to read and comment on and agree to in order to stay employed and to even exist in society. And since what they’re reading is straight from FeelzWorld, none of it will make any sense to them. That, combined with the unrelenting pressure to humiliate and emasculate young men into “going their own way” even as society mocks them for making that choice, sets up a rather unpleasant situation for the upcoming decades.
Unpleasant, yes, but not unfamiliar. A bunch of bearded fat guys with home-made cars and robes and swords, against an utterly conformist society where a “lack of faith” can get you choked to death? You’ll have to get those power converters down at Toshi Station without me, Mama — I’m joining the rebellion!