As my more intelligent blog readers know, Thanksgiving is normally the time of year when friends and family come together to celebrate the blessings and good fortune they’ve received throughout the year. It’s also a time to remember how much you dislike most of your family members, and to watch the Detroit Lions lose a professional football game.
But this wouldn’t be 2015-style America if there weren’t some people out there who wanted to take everything that is nice and good and normal about the traditions our country has and turn them into things that we should all FEEL VERY GUILTY ABOUT. I mean, just look at this image from Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. What is this racist shit? Franklin has to sit by himself? And all the music was written by Vince Guaraldi, a white man who co-opted the Jazz tradition. No, you can’t watch Charlie Brown for Thanksgiving. Here’s some other reasons you definitely shouldn’t celebrate Thanksgiving, according to the Social Justice Warriors of America.
First of all, don’t forget that this country was built on the backs of slaves and Indians errr Native americans so the Pilgrims were probably the worst people ever to set foot on the Earth. So you can’t celebrate Thanksgiving, because if you do, you’ll be legitimizing the senseless genocide of Native Americans (who also senselessly committed genocide against other tribes and were just as different from each other as the British and the French). Shame on you, sir.
Secondly, Thanksgiving is bad for the environment, don’t you know. If you can make it through this ThinkProgress article without punching your laptop in frustration, you’re a better man than I am. In addition to avoiding all the terrible things that Thanksgiving does to the environment (like actually transporting food across the country, which provides jobs and helps the economy), you have to make sure that you’re ready to do battle with your climate denier family.
Even with all these tips, Thanksgiving is hardly a carbon-neutral day for most of us. But there’s one more way you can get bigger climate returns on the day: Talk about it.
Maybe your family or friends don’t believe in climate change. Take a moment before the holiday to brush up on some key messages, and think of it this way: Convincing just one person to reduce her carbon footprint doubles what you can do on your own.
Yes, because what better way to promote Thanksgiving and family unity than arguing about psuedo-science?
Lastly, if you’re going to celebrate Thanksgiving, we’d all prefer that you do it in the same way that you celebrate any religion other than Islam—by keeping that shit all to yourself. Because, you know, by talking about all the things you’re thankful for, you’re really just demonstrating your privilege. You don’t deserve anything that you have, because meritocracy is just, like, an illusion, man. So don’t post anything about being thankful, because everything you’re thankful for rightfully belongs to somebody else who just isn’t as privileged as you. Especially don’t post about being thankful for your family, because talking about your traditional family is probably a trigger warning to somebody who is in a non-traditional blended family that’s headed by a man who identifies as a transwoman every other Tuesday and a sway bar.
I wonder how long it will be until we start talking about Thanksgiving the same way we talk about Columbus Day. I’m guessing by next year.