Keep Your Virtue Signalling Out Of My Sports

#weaccept?

What does that even mean? And what the hell does any of the blatant virtue signalling we saw last night have to do with sports?

I love sports. I love competition. In fact, I spent much of my young adult life swimming competitively. One of my favorite childhood memories is my Dad waking me to watch the Cincinnati Reds win the World Series in 1990. He served Skyline Chili and Barq’s Root Beer at midnight my brother and sister and me, and it was the greatest. I still have my ratty old sweatshirt that says “Wire to Wire”. I adore “The Big Game.” Doesn’t matter the sport or the season – I can get into anything competitive. I love Buckeye football and Orange basketball, but I don’t even care if it’s my team or not – I figure out a way to justifiably hate one of the teams (i.e., Tom Brady went to Michigan, I went to Ohio State, therefore I should automatically hate him).

So,yes, I dig the Super Bowl. Food, alcohol, sports…what’s not to love? Last year, for Super Bowl 50, I was an unapologetic bandwagon Broncos fan, and I don’t regret it for one second. I drank way too much champagne and vodka (that was a big whoops on Monday morning), declared my love for Peyton Manning, and dabbed. I even let my kid skip school two days later for the Official Victory Parade – mostly because I want him to have the fond memories of excellence in sports that I have from childhood.

But this year’s Super Bowl? I was hate watching. I admit it. I knew it was going to be a hate-watch spectacle from the second the media focused on the friendship between Tom Brady and President Trump. I saw through the stupid façade of President George H. W. Bush and Mrs. Barbara Bush flipping the coin in the thinly veiled attempt to make it “bipartisan.” But, literally two seconds later they have a commercial of lots of faces with “America the Beautiful” in different languages.

And so, brotherhood: (And sisterhood, since we’re apparently amending the words to national songs now) What is happening here?

Here are the things we need to accept:

1. We live in The United States of America.
2. We have a President of The United States of America. His name is Donald J. Trump.
3. Everyone who lives here in The United States of America has different ideals, gods, beliefs; BUT…
4. You’re required to live here legally….and pay taxes. Lots and lots of taxes.

Or, am I just supposed to “accept” anyone who wants to live in The United States of America, even if it’s illegally? Am I supposed to be teaching my children to accept anyone regardless of nationality or color? (Last time I checked, I already do this…even though I’m a (GASP) Republican. Like, literally card carrying. I get the robo-calls and everything). By the way, who funded the #weaccept commercial? So. Many. Questions. (I didn’t know either—turns out that it was Airbnb, who have officially gotten their last dollar from me-Bark)

Tom Brady is a huge asshole. He’s an asshole because he went to Michigan. Anyone who wears maize and blue is an automatic asshole. He’s an asshole because he left his pregnant girlfriend for a supermodel. He’s an asshole because he doesn’t eat “nightshades.” This means he doesn’t eat tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, or eggplants because they’re not anti-inflammatory. Weird. If Peyton Manning eats chicken parm, Tom Brady should be okay with eating nightshades.

However, Tom Brady is NOT an asshole because he (maybe) voted for Donald Trump. We literally don’t know if he did or not – he apparently keeps a “Make America Great Again” cap in his football locker – but, he hasn’t discussed if he voted for Trump because he doesn’t have to. It’s called privacy. In America, he is still entitled to this privacy—even if he is an asshole because he doesn’t eat nightshades in his Michigan pajamas. It’s just none of our freaking business. The fact that we are supposed to care about who Brady voted for is a weird narrative. Why is the media trying so hard to tell me what to care about?

Here’s the problem with Super Bowl LI. They want us to care about the things they want us to care about and they want us to “accept.” One could say that “they” should have accepted the law of the land on approximately January 22, but apparently the marketing and advertising departments wanted to go a little wild this year. Forget funny – let’s be controversial and teach life lessons. “They” want us to watch commercials and make illegal immigration okay. I’m looking at you, 84 Lumber.

By the time the halftime show came around, I was entirely worked up…but, Lady Gaga was (blessedly) vanilla. Apparently no one gave her the political memo—maybe she was super tired from her protests outside of Trump Tower. Or, hey, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe she actually cared about the fact that the Super Bowl is a time that Americans come together and she focused on, you know, performing. Who knows – this is a woman who wore a legitimate dress made of meat. I don’t pretend to understand or know what she’s thinking.

I might be calming down a little.

Here are the things I learned from the Super Bowl this year:

1. Don’t buy an Audi
2. 84 Lumber should have had the balls to finish the entire story on TV
3. Barbara Bush is the GREATEST FIRST LADY OF ALL TIME
4. I’m no longer buying or drinking Coke or Anheuser-Busch
5. Do not buy menswear where Joe Buck does
6. Lady Gaga has drones
7. Michigan still sucks
8. Not one advertising executive this year spent a single second worrying about offending conservatives. But, as the great Michael Jordan once said, “Republicans buy sneakers, too.” Maybe they should have.

Whew. Is it time for March Madness yet?