Ugh. Finally paid my taxes from 2012 last night. I’m a bit late with this stuff. Not to piss and moan, but I basically bought the United States a new Corvette. I hope they get it in red. All Corvettes are red.

I felt violated afterwards, like President Obama had come into my house and stolen my toys. (Or Vice-President Biden, if you are made uncomfortable by the juxtaposition of a bi-racial culture icon and the concept of home invasion.) Time to put some money back into the real United States of America, which means workers and craftsmen doing American things in this country, right? But as I was planning a new custom guitar, I was interrupted by a discussion of gorilla sex.

My pal Melisa is in the process of revamping and relaunching her sex-blogging site, and she’s occasionally writing new content as she does so. Her newest post is about Bruno Mars, bonobos, and multiple positions. She gChatted me while she was writing it to express her disappointment at the endowment of the average ape. Melisa is a rather infamous size queen, if that’s the right word for women who are into that sort of thing.

When I stay at her house in Los Angeles, I change in the bathroom.

In any event, we had an utterly fascinating discussion about sub-human primate intercourse. I just have to wonder: does it cause them as much turmoil as it causes us? Do gorillas lie around moping about someone whom they loved desperately? Do they dream and plot the next seduction?. Do they stretch out a dating process just so they can savor the run-up to the furious coupling? Do they close the deal on the first night and set their phones to “block” afterwards?

Probably not that last one.

The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.

The priorities of the young man to the old man, in order: do it with someone. Do it with the most people. Do it with the hottest people. Do it with the youngest people. Do it with the best people. Give it up. Die. It’s almost too painful to think about. Better to concentrate on something else.

A while ago, Carvin came up with an “Elite” package. It wasn’t popular, but when specified correctly it can make for a brilliant instrument. It adds another layer of black wood fiber lamination between the top and body of the guitar. But if you’re sufficiently inventive, you can do it on the back as well. Two years ago, some fellow came up with the idea of doing a double-sandwich Brian Bromberg Signature bass. You can see it below:

Stunning. But the Elite package is no longer in the catalog. Too much, too expensive.

Having paid the American government, I decided to pay some Americans. My main man and precision bass player (as opposed to Precision Bass player — like me, his main axe is a loaded Carvin SB5000) Patrick talked to Carvin on my behalf. Got them to resurrect the Elite package just for me. “Make it like that one,” I said, “only better”. The definition of “better”: more gloss, more bling, better core wood, no visible striped neck. Same flamed koa front and back, only more of it. The notation in the order: “DRAMATIC KOA”. Let’s have some drama up in here.

Come back tomorrow, by the way: I’ve written something for R&T that I want to share with you and it became doubly relevant right after I submitted it. See you then.